TIPS THAT SAVE CHICKS #2

LADY LABIA'S TIPS #11-20



11. Please, please, please, don't let your "guy friend" touch you when you guys go out to bars, etc. By touch, I mean the hand on the back, arm around you bit. It's such a cock block. A large percentage of the guys that might have approached you wont once they see your guy pal getting physical. It's confusing for the other dudes. Guys, stop doing that to us. Don't make it look like we're dating when we're in public dammit! We know it makes you look good, but c'mon. Thanks.

12. When you're on a subway and there's a cute guy sitting next to you. Look right at him in his eyes and smile. It will undoubtedly make his day; he'll get a bit of a confidence-boost.

13. Never hook up with your friends' ex-boyfriends! She will hate you. You will hurt her intensely. She may spite you. You'll look like a desperate bitch. Karma will catch you. You and the ex wont last. You'll lose yet another good friend and the respect of many. You will look like you can't find a guy yourself. In other words, you'll look lonely and pathetic. It's an unwritten taboo in our society, let us not act like it's a harmless right. It's tacky and gross. Word.

14. Stop lying to men about having orgasms! Stop faking them! Ladies, it really isn't fair to train these men all wrong! Tell them the truth when they ask you if you climaxed. If the answer is "no", well then they should feel really self conscious about it and try harder, try new things, research. Just stop lying to them. I know you don't want to hurt their feelings but think about the poor girl that has to re-train the ol' dog in the future. And guys, pleease stop using porn as sex 101. The majority of the stuff you see the guys doing is not what gets the job done. Ugh.

15. Straight girl on straight girl action at parties is so retro! It's not cool anymore. It's not sexy. It screams attention whore. Do you kiss guys the way you kiss girls: In front of a gaggle of hooting and hollering men!? I mean, if that's how you kiss guys in public, too, then by all means, bi-sex it up. Otherwise, cut the crap and stop lying to yourself; you're doing it for attention. The next time a drunken hot mess stumbles your way and says, "Omg you're hot, let's make out" give her a card for hypnotherapy. This, of course doesn't apply to lesbians. You guys are hot and I respect your kissing where or whenever. Tits.

16. Just about all Burt's Bees products ROCK! Of my favorites are the Carrot Nutritive Day and night cremes and Marshmallow vanishing creme. They smell delightfully delicious and feel high-quality and amazing on the skin. Their citrus facial scrub is a must-have to take off dead skin and reveal soft, radiant and supple skin. From lip care to skin care, to shampoos and conditioners, Burt's Bees is a brand I swear by!

17. Don't get wasted on a first date! It's tacky and gross. Really, you'll make yourself look stupid at some point and blur your connection with your suitor. I think a 3 drink maximum is best. This goes for men and women. Get a little buzz on to loosen up, but anything else and he'll think you're loose-er.

18. Douche Detective says, "If a guy say the word "vagina" or even references one within 30 seconds of your meeting, he is certifiably a Douche."


19. Douche Detective says, " If a guy cries to you before your 10th date, run, don't walk far away from him." Studies have shown that guys who are that comfortable that early have emotional instabilities and usually end up being the wife-beaters, psycho control freaks, mood-swingers and big nagging, bratty babies. I also know this from personal experience as well as the experiences of several friends. There are exceptions, of course (ie- a recent and untimely death of a pet, friend or family member). But I am dead serious, Immediately flee the scene if you are on a date with a new guy the moment his tear ducts begin to open. Gulp the last of your wine and book it!

20. You know what? I reconsidered it: Ladies! If you absolutely must, fake the damn orgasm! Some guys don't take direction very well, which can be annoying and stressful on your potentially parched pleasure point. To hell with it. Get it over with. Get him out and off. Do him a favor; you really are helping his ego out, after all.

TIPS THAT SAVE CHICKS #1

LADY LABIA'S TIPS #1-10

1. Avoid textation-ships! Text-relationships with a guys or girls that you have only met once or twice are useless, meaningless and shallow. If you both don't have the balls to call one another and it's been weeks to months, call it quits early in the cowardly cyber lame game. They don't count as friends either.

2. Exercise instead of eating ice cream when you're depressed - go out for a jog, power walk or swim. Weeee! It will really help you release endorphins. You may end up feeling excited when you think about a break up or drama! I swear! Recently, I had my heart broken by a guy that always finds the best ways to hurt me... The pain was excruciating. I have been roller skating every few days now and I find that I get giddy, even when I think of him! I somehow manage to feel happy that I am no longer burdened with the perils of Him, that douche. If I were sitting around the house eating ice cream and crap, I would sink deeper and develop low self-esteem from the weight gain and stagnation.

3. Best Hangover Cure is, believe it or don't, apple-cider vinegar! I know it sounds gross, but it is extremely good for you! Take one shot and follow with a few glasses of water. For sensitive stomachs, dilute with water. You'll get a quick and subtle buzz that will help balance your equilibrium.

4. Thou Shall Not Flake - If you make plans with someone, don't act like a stereo-typical, self-centered, selfish L.A douche bag and flake - especially last minute. It's rude. If you change your mind for trivial reasons, keep your commitment. It will make you a better person. Furthermore it shows that you are reliable and up for adventure.

5. Have a back up stash of munchies - You never know when your stomach may need sustenance. In your purse or car, always stay equipped with some nuts for filling and candies for saliva and fresh breath.

6. Attention, Men!! Never, ever walk around in a shirt and no underpants!! It is by far one of the most unattractive things ever. And it doesn't matter how sexy you are, it's downright gross and looks silly. Your sexy meter will go down a notch in the subconscious minds of your lovers.

7. Break Cyber Ties - After a (bad) break-up - Don't check up on your ex's MySpace, face book or twitter unless you are completely over them. Otherwise, it becomes masochistic and unproductive. Trust me; once you get passed the first month of stomach knots and sheer heartache, you'll realize that you actually can live without them. By checking their profiles even once in a while, you're subconsciously holding on to the past and rendered powerless over the present.

8. Just say yes! - Every once in a while, it's productive to say yes to something to which you would normally say "no". I'm not talking about drugs or anything that is obviously dangerous or flat out stupid (please have common sense here). Go out with that guy you always said no to. Go hang with that friend that always bugs you to hang out but somehow you're always "too busy" for. Eat that dish that you always strayed away from tasting. You may be pleasantly surprised to see what can happen when you change your natural flow; you could meet someone special, have a fabulous epiphany, find money, run into a special friend, get discovered, or simply discover a new dish. Sounds fun right? Live life; stop being scared of change; everyone deserves some adventure no matter how big or small.

9. Dating Geeks is awesome but dangerous!! Beware of geeks and nerds, as they never got the girl in high school. If they go from having no sex life to having you, a hot chick and a booming sex life, he may try to compensate his feelings of inadequacy for having not gotten girls in the past by cheating on or leaving you to sow his now confident oats. The point is DON'T become a sex and relationship stepping stone for the inexperienced little dweeb!! He'll worship you until he feel he's learned enough. From your intimacy, fashion advice and boosting his ego, he'll get cocky and greedy and chase other women. We all know that the goal for the average man is to sleep with as many women as possible. Dating a guy that has "been there, done that" could actually prove rewarding as he has already had scandalous and meaningless “sexperiences” and is more likely ready to settle down with you. This is why so many hot girls are getting their hearts trampled on; they're downgrading by dating and nerds & geeks and upgrading them to hip and chic. I hope this advice isn't left unabsorbed. I have always been a sincere lover of geeks, personally, and I always will be; I'm just saying, be careful of what kind you deal with.

10. Guys in Relationships are not hot! Well unless that guy is in a relationship with me. I don’t care how good-looking a guy is; don’t chase him or try to seduce him when he is in a relationship with someone else; it’s like going after a guy with snot constantly running down his nose. As soon as I find out a guy has a girl, I become repelled by him; especially if he’s hitting on me. Yeah, like a cheating spineless douche bag is what really turns me on! Hitting on and flirting with a taken guy is bad karma, gross and tacky. Why would you even waste you time seeking the validation by tempting the dog out of a man AND fucking another girl over? We all know how much it would suck to be the girl getting cheated on, so let’s promote a little more sister-hood and respect another woman’s territory. Plus, don’t you want to be the only one he caters to and worships?

Introducing Dr. Labia

Okay, I know "Dr. Labia" is a strange name to go by. But it’s something my friends and I find quite amusing. My actual name is Talibah (Tuh-lee-buh). I met a girl at a party who fancied calling me “Ta-Labia (Tuh-Lay-bee-uh)" and I found it quite clever and funny. I’m certain I thanked her for such a charming nickname despite my being heavily intoxicated and her attempt to poke fun at me. The name stuck and somehow manifested into "Lady Labia", "Dr. Labia" and "Lady Laybs" or good ol "Ta-Labia". I don't go by this name every day; I thought it would be a fun pen name. Make sense now? Good. Now that you understand the origin of my name, let us move on.

Face it. I love love. I love sex. I love boys (err-men). I love relationships, dating, socializing, flirting and matchmaking. MOST importantly, I LOVE giving advice and talking about these topics!

If I’m not doing it, I’m talking about doing it, how I’ve done it, how you did it, how it should be done, how others do it and so forth.

I realized recently, after giving a girlfriend of mine advice on the d-bag boys in her life for the millionth time, that I should be doing this on a larger scale (getting paid to do it wouldn’t hurt either). I have a male friend, "Full on Kevs", I call him; he asks me for advice on women as well. Soon, I looked around me and realized that virtually all of my friends seek my insight and open ears or just flat out enjoy conversing with me about the ups and downs of love, sex, life and everything in between. What is it about me, you ask? Well, I have raging hormones, a widely open mind, am a keen analyst and, well, charm only helps. Not tooting my own horn here; I'm simply acknowledging my gift of gab, accessibility, eccentricity and strong sense of empathy. It seems as though I create an atmosphere of comfort in which most find it easy to open up. Then I thought, why shouldn’t I go global? I suppose for now, I’ll start one blog at a time.