TIPS THAT SAVE CHICKS #5

DR. LABIA'S TIPS 41-50

41.  Don't be afraid to scope out that hottie's bulge in his pants. They get to scope our goods all the time... Boobs, butt... curves. Look for that bulge. When they're big, it's exciting and creates sexy images. Guys, don't be afraid to fly commando so we can see that bulge. Mmm hmmm. Bulge. And stare hard for a while until he notices... then keep staring until he's rendered uncomfortable.

42. Text Etiquette - Give the realest person in front of you the most attention. Texting while someone is talking to you and only you, is unbelievably rude. I'm not talking about one measly text; I'm talking about having a full on back and forth convo with someone via text every few seconds. You're having two convos at once. The next time someone does that to me, I'm going to literally turn my back to them the next time they ramble about important stuff, then I will engage in a conversation with whomever else is around. Grow some fucking balls, excuse yourself and call them if it's so important. . . Stop having two conversations at once! I should totally take this advice.

43.  When you kiss a guy and he immediately opens his mouth and slips you the tongue, you can be sure that 1. he is only interested in a sexual exchange and/or 2. isn't a very skilled kisser. It's good to let the lips lock and let electricity exchange between the two of you before opening up and swapping mouth fluids. Think of the ocean and it's rhythm. Kissing dogs and frogs is gross.

44. Sexy sexy sexy rules: Wanna be sexy? Grab his "junk" in the midst of an intense hook-up and whisper in his ear and tell him how much you want it, you want it, want it. If he's more of a sadist, beg him please, please, please stop. Mmm Hmm.

45. Guys really hate razor bumps so do whatever it takes to avoid those. Some helpful tips are: Use a fresh razor every time, wax, laser(creepy), use a lot of shaving cream, rinse the razor after every stroke  and for the first day you shave, try not to wear tight synthetic fabrics, try to stick to cotton so your pores can breathe. But, on the contrary, guys need to understand that it happens sometimes and to stop imposing their impossible standards on us women. Fuck you if you think we should have to shave every day or even every other day. Fuck you if you think hairy legs and muffs are intolerable. We wish you motherfuckers could cum on command, very few of you can; do we hold it against you? Nay. Insisting that a woman should always be hairless is like trying to defy the ways of nature. You can't love women but hate their hair, the fact that they get their period, etc. You must love us not for the sum of some parts but as a whole. So stop perpetuating the cycle of self-image issues that torment women and get over it if she has razor bumps or hairy legs every now and then. I like the number 6, which means if I only like 1 and 2 and hated 3, I wouldn't know the number 6. 

46. Attention, Men!!!! Don't shave your pubic areas bare. A little trim never hurt but, DAMN! We don't want to look down and see elementary school boy parts. Scary, unattractive and weird. Bare balls are creepy. Trim, don't shave them. We want to be reminded that you're a man, thanks. While it may make your dick look bigger, it doesn't ACTUALLY make your dick bigger. Pointless, indeed. Keep a little, yes A LITTLE, hair down there and show us who the lion really is. I, of course am not speaking for all women, just the ones who makes sense. I mean seriously, what the hell is going on in your mind when your shaving your ball bare? Stop it. Now. It's okay, you might feel a little embarrassed, but Im actually saving you guys from embarrassing yourselves in the future.

47. Break-ups - When it hurts so much that you think your heart will explode, your stomach emaciated when someone fails you, fear not. This feeling will definitely vanish. What helps? Writing about it. Allow yourself to be completely vulnerable. Sit in your sanctuary and bare your soul to yourself. I write songs, poems, shorts, blogs and it seriously works wonders.

48. Sex Etiquette - Don't ever let a guy cum on your face. Ever. Seriously don't. He'll get over it even though he's a little gross for wanting to in the first place. You're better than that. Love your face. Love yourself.

49. It's quiet on myspace. I still love myspace and I will always have one. I like decorating my page but on facebook, you can really interact with the people that matter most. As much as I hate admitting this, face book is better. There. Ugh. I said it. Don't tell anyone, though.

50. Driving and texting or talking on the phone offenders are still running rampant and it's making me a little sick. I imagine the regrets that will be expressed when you find your car totaled, your passengers dead, and you, crippled. I really hope it was worth responding to asinine conversation that just couldn't wait. You think you're safe. You think you're good at it. Everyone seems to share this delusion of invincibility. Get real. This shit is no joke! People could actually dieeee. And we don't want to dizzie yet! 

TIPS THAT SAVE CHICKS #1

LADY LABIA'S TIPS #1-10

1. Avoid textation-ships! Text-relationships with a guys or girls that you have only met once or twice are useless, meaningless and shallow. If you both don't have the balls to call one another and it's been weeks to months, call it quits early in the cowardly cyber lame game. They don't count as friends either.

2. Exercise instead of eating ice cream when you're depressed - go out for a jog, power walk or swim. Weeee! It will really help you release endorphins. You may end up feeling excited when you think about a break up or drama! I swear! Recently, I had my heart broken by a guy that always finds the best ways to hurt me... The pain was excruciating. I have been roller skating every few days now and I find that I get giddy, even when I think of him! I somehow manage to feel happy that I am no longer burdened with the perils of Him, that douche. If I were sitting around the house eating ice cream and crap, I would sink deeper and develop low self-esteem from the weight gain and stagnation.

3. Best Hangover Cure is, believe it or don't, apple-cider vinegar! I know it sounds gross, but it is extremely good for you! Take one shot and follow with a few glasses of water. For sensitive stomachs, dilute with water. You'll get a quick and subtle buzz that will help balance your equilibrium.

4. Thou Shall Not Flake - If you make plans with someone, don't act like a stereo-typical, self-centered, selfish L.A douche bag and flake - especially last minute. It's rude. If you change your mind for trivial reasons, keep your commitment. It will make you a better person. Furthermore it shows that you are reliable and up for adventure.

5. Have a back up stash of munchies - You never know when your stomach may need sustenance. In your purse or car, always stay equipped with some nuts for filling and candies for saliva and fresh breath.

6. Attention, Men!! Never, ever walk around in a shirt and no underpants!! It is by far one of the most unattractive things ever. And it doesn't matter how sexy you are, it's downright gross and looks silly. Your sexy meter will go down a notch in the subconscious minds of your lovers.

7. Break Cyber Ties - After a (bad) break-up - Don't check up on your ex's MySpace, face book or twitter unless you are completely over them. Otherwise, it becomes masochistic and unproductive. Trust me; once you get passed the first month of stomach knots and sheer heartache, you'll realize that you actually can live without them. By checking their profiles even once in a while, you're subconsciously holding on to the past and rendered powerless over the present.

8. Just say yes! - Every once in a while, it's productive to say yes to something to which you would normally say "no". I'm not talking about drugs or anything that is obviously dangerous or flat out stupid (please have common sense here). Go out with that guy you always said no to. Go hang with that friend that always bugs you to hang out but somehow you're always "too busy" for. Eat that dish that you always strayed away from tasting. You may be pleasantly surprised to see what can happen when you change your natural flow; you could meet someone special, have a fabulous epiphany, find money, run into a special friend, get discovered, or simply discover a new dish. Sounds fun right? Live life; stop being scared of change; everyone deserves some adventure no matter how big or small.

9. Dating Geeks is awesome but dangerous!! Beware of geeks and nerds, as they never got the girl in high school. If they go from having no sex life to having you, a hot chick and a booming sex life, he may try to compensate his feelings of inadequacy for having not gotten girls in the past by cheating on or leaving you to sow his now confident oats. The point is DON'T become a sex and relationship stepping stone for the inexperienced little dweeb!! He'll worship you until he feel he's learned enough. From your intimacy, fashion advice and boosting his ego, he'll get cocky and greedy and chase other women. We all know that the goal for the average man is to sleep with as many women as possible. Dating a guy that has "been there, done that" could actually prove rewarding as he has already had scandalous and meaningless “sexperiences” and is more likely ready to settle down with you. This is why so many hot girls are getting their hearts trampled on; they're downgrading by dating and nerds & geeks and upgrading them to hip and chic. I hope this advice isn't left unabsorbed. I have always been a sincere lover of geeks, personally, and I always will be; I'm just saying, be careful of what kind you deal with.

10. Guys in Relationships are not hot! Well unless that guy is in a relationship with me. I don’t care how good-looking a guy is; don’t chase him or try to seduce him when he is in a relationship with someone else; it’s like going after a guy with snot constantly running down his nose. As soon as I find out a guy has a girl, I become repelled by him; especially if he’s hitting on me. Yeah, like a cheating spineless douche bag is what really turns me on! Hitting on and flirting with a taken guy is bad karma, gross and tacky. Why would you even waste you time seeking the validation by tempting the dog out of a man AND fucking another girl over? We all know how much it would suck to be the girl getting cheated on, so let’s promote a little more sister-hood and respect another woman’s territory. Plus, don’t you want to be the only one he caters to and worships?