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DR. LABIA'S TIPS#31-40
31. Phone sex is lame lame lame! I'm so not about it. There's nothing more awkward than talking to a little voice in a little phone and saying stuff that you think is sexy. You're listening to a little voice in a little phone and touching yourself. But back up and step out of yourself for a moment, think about how silly you both really sound and look... Kinda embarrassing, right? No matter how sexy the voice, the person on the other end, the words cumming out of your mouths are, YOU'RE NOT ACTUALLY HOOKING UP. I tried to do it a few times but feel bad admitting that I wasn't touching myself and didn't get off. I even pressed mute to laugh a little. I just can't take you seriously... sorry.
32. If a girl wanted you and knew that you would have her, then you would have her. If you don't have her, it's because she simply does not want you. When we like someone, we don't want to waste time and risk losing him to someone else. We will simply let him have us.... with a little game-playing, of course. So take the hint, it's not cryptic.
33. Attention guys! when a girl sends you sexy picture of her, whether you thinks it's her best shot or not, reciprocate by telling her how smokin' hot she is (especially if it was YOU who asked her to send one). It'll only help you out in the future; she'll suck you off that much harder, she'll be more enthused about pleasing you, she'll feel good about herself, she'll send you more pictures. Don't you understand that you, too, benefit from doing this? Give her the reassurance and stop being so damn dense.
34. Stop gender on gender hate! I am so utterly sick of guys getting all pissed off when I show up at a party with a guy friend. We all know it's hard for girls to be friends, what the hell are we supposed to do!? Invite our non-existent girl friends? Not show up? And why should I have to come alone just because you don't know enough girls? You shouldn't want to be the last guy on Earth just to get a girl. What does that say about you? Are you scared of a little competition? You don't know any girls except her and her? Damn. You're throwing the party; it's your responsibility to create gender-balance. Not ours. Besides, we don't mind sausage-fests anyway. More meat for us to choose from. Sorry.
35. Douche Detective says, "If you want to talk to a girl, approach her. Do not summon her from a distance like a master calling his dog and expect her to come running. " It's rude, slightly cowardly, yet cocky. What gift do you think you are to women? If you're not willing to put forth the effort to, say, cross the street, walk a few steps, or perhaps venture over to her bar stool, you're a lazy douche and don't deserve any girls time.
36.Douche Detective says, "If a guy asks for your number right away ( immediately before or after getting your name) and doesn't know a damn thing about you, he obviously just wants to bang-bang you." What he's revealing is that he is not interested in who you are and doesn't really want to get to know you. He's revealing that he probably asks every pretty girl for her number and that his standards, as far as personality goes, are drastically low. He's a serial digits collecting douche, a perpetual tail-chaser. A hollowing waste of time.
37. You know that violent circular motion that you guys do when rubbing the clitoris? You know, that thing you see chicks do to themselves in porn? You know, you sometimes do it when you're inside a girl to double the pleasure? Well, it sucks and we hate it. Stop. Please. You're drying us out. You're numbing our 'clitori'. You have indicated that you watch too much porn and use it as sex 101. Not sexy. Please, for the love of God, stop. You're killing us. No more parched pleasure points! Stop veegee violence!
38. Stop using friends to fill your voids then tossing them out when you (finally) find romance. Ditching your friends just because you found a new girlfriend/boyfriend is sad. It screams co-dependency. I know the butterflies and giddy gumdrops are like a whirlpool of delight that you want to fall into and get sucked in, but when you completely forsake your friendships with those closest to you, you look like an ass and imply that your friends aren't worth the 5 minutes a week to call back to say hello and show that you give a crap about how they are doing. Omg, you finally found someone; time to hold on tight like a fucking baby that finally found it's mama. You're selfish, needy and lonely. Balance! Have you self-centered assholes heard of that? What's worse is when you come running back when you get heart broken or when your lover is out of town. You are a co-dependent leech and don't deserve such loyal friends. Shape up and start treating them better before they forsake you for good. You will realize, when you're all alone again, that it wasn't worth it.
39. If you have a boyfriend, ladies, please don't stalk his chick friends! It's such a desperate and feeble attempt to claim some sort of control over your insecurities and your man. You are humiliating yourself when his unsuspecting friend gets a random add request from you on her private facebook, myspace, etc. It's obvious that you want to lurk on the potential comments he might have left her or to compare yourself to her. It's unproductive. Be strong. You shouldn't have to do that to keep your man faithful. I promise, you will save face if you accept and deal with the mystery. Chances are you will stumble on something that will freak you out, even though it probably means nothing. I bet you she doesn't even like your man.. stop it, please. Lurker!
40. Wash your Hands before touching vagina - It's really gross to see when a guy doesn't ever wash his hands after using the restroom or ever, then tries to touch your privates. You might as well drag your hands on a bathroom floor and then stick your fingers in us. C'mon, guys. The vagina is sensitive. Wash your hands before putting them all over the us, please? It's the classy thing to do. Eww... think about all those germs on your hands and now you're going to put them in us?! Yucky and inconsiderate. Help keep the veegee clean!
LADY LABIA'S TIPS #11-20
11. Please, please, please, don't let your "guy friend" touch you when you guys go out to bars, etc. By touch, I mean the hand on the back, arm around you bit. It's such a cock block. A large percentage of the guys that might have approached you wont once they see your guy pal getting physical. It's confusing for the other dudes. Guys, stop doing that to us. Don't make it look like we're dating when we're in public dammit! We know it makes you look good, but c'mon. Thanks.
12. When you're on a subway and there's a cute guy sitting next to you. Look right at him in his eyes and smile. It will undoubtedly make his day; he'll get a bit of a confidence-boost.
13. Never hook up with your friends' ex-boyfriends! She will hate you. You will hurt her intensely. She may spite you. You'll look like a desperate bitch. Karma will catch you. You and the ex wont last. You'll lose yet another good friend and the respect of many. You will look like you can't find a guy yourself. In other words, you'll look lonely and pathetic. It's an unwritten taboo in our society, let us not act like it's a harmless right. It's tacky and gross. Word.
14. Stop lying to men about having orgasms! Stop faking them! Ladies, it really isn't fair to train these men all wrong! Tell them the truth when they ask you if you climaxed. If the answer is "no", well then they should feel really self conscious about it and try harder, try new things, research. Just stop lying to them. I know you don't want to hurt their feelings but think about the poor girl that has to re-train the ol' dog in the future. And guys, pleease stop using porn as sex 101. The majority of the stuff you see the guys doing is not what gets the job done. Ugh.
15. Straight girl on straight girl action at parties is so retro! It's not cool anymore. It's not sexy. It screams attention whore. Do you kiss guys the way you kiss girls: In front of a gaggle of hooting and hollering men!? I mean, if that's how you kiss guys in public, too, then by all means, bi-sex it up. Otherwise, cut the crap and stop lying to yourself; you're doing it for attention. The next time a drunken hot mess stumbles your way and says, "Omg you're hot, let's make out" give her a card for hypnotherapy. This, of course doesn't apply to lesbians. You guys are hot and I respect your kissing where or whenever. Tits.
16. Just about all Burt's Bees products ROCK! Of my favorites are the Carrot Nutritive Day and night cremes and Marshmallow vanishing creme. They smell delightfully delicious and feel high-quality and amazing on the skin. Their citrus facial scrub is a must-have to take off dead skin and reveal soft, radiant and supple skin. From lip care to skin care, to shampoos and conditioners, Burt's Bees is a brand I swear by!
17. Don't get wasted on a first date! It's tacky and gross. Really, you'll make yourself look stupid at some point and blur your connection with your suitor. I think a 3 drink maximum is best. This goes for men and women. Get a little buzz on to loosen up, but anything else and he'll think you're loose-er.
18. Douche Detective says, "If a guy say the word "vagina" or even references one within 30 seconds of your meeting, he is certifiably a Douche."
19. Douche Detective says, " If a guy cries to you before your 10th date, run, don't walk far away from him." Studies have shown that guys who are that comfortable that early have emotional instabilities and usually end up being the wife-beaters, psycho control freaks, mood-swingers and big nagging, bratty babies. I also know this from personal experience as well as the experiences of several friends. There are exceptions, of course (ie- a recent and untimely death of a pet, friend or family member). But I am dead serious, Immediately flee the scene if you are on a date with a new guy the moment his tear ducts begin to open. Gulp the last of your wine and book it!
20. You know what? I reconsidered it: Ladies! If you absolutely must, fake the damn orgasm! Some guys don't take direction very well, which can be annoying and stressful on your potentially parched pleasure point. To hell with it. Get it over with. Get him out and off. Do him a favor; you really are helping his ego out, after all.
I must admit that I enjoy Googling random words; often ones that involve relationships, sex, love, etc. because the stuff I find is often amazing. Recently, I stumbled upon a website called Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (S.L.A.A.). I knew there were programs for people addicted to sex, but not to love; I didn't know that it was possible to be addicted to something so abstract. They offer a 12-step fellowship for men and women to help each other stay "sober". The people of S.L.A.A insist that the addiction to love and sex is an actual disease or, rather, a progressive illness that cannot be cured, but "arrested". The essential problem shared among addicts of all sorts is a powerful obsession and compulsion that creates interference in one's life, family, career, and sense of self-respect. My first question was why there aren't any vaccines for this treacherous disease.
My second question, like most people,regarded my position in the matter. They have a questionnaire on the website that consists of 40 questions for self-diagnosis. I began to 
question myself. Am I a sex addict? Well, I'm not a whore; never have been; I've always been a good girl when it comes to sex. I've kept myself generally scarce and particular about who I sleep with. I don't believe in casual sex. Of the 2 times I experienced it, one pissed me off because I didn't know we were having casual sex; I thought we had 'something' brewing for quite some time before even venturing into the realms of sex but was wrong; the other was an experiment to see if casual sex was for me. The answer was obviously no. And the sex? Obviously bad. I want a strong mental connection and a mutual acknowledgment of a committed relationship before spreading my legs.
Moving on... Am I addicted to love? Well, judging my last couple of relationships, I am probably more addicted to hate. Hah! Well, I do like love, but I do fine without it as long as I have good friends, family and cats. I do fine without it as long as I am productive and focused on improving myself. I mean, of course I find myself lonely at times when I don't have a boyfriend or cuddle buddy. When I'm in love, I sometimes do foolish things. But don't we all? My personal conclusion leaned toward no, I am not a love and sex addict. I'm a love and sex lover, but there's obviously a difference. After an amateur self-evaluation on the matter, I proceeded to click on the '40 Questions for Self Diagnosis' link. Here are a few of the questions asked (picked randomly):
Have you had sex at inappropriate times, in inappropriate places, and/or with inappropriate people?
--Well, I've had sex at inappropriate times in "inappropriate places", like on the beach on a lifeguard tower when I knew the possibility of getting caught. I wouldn't say any of my partners were inappropriate... except for maybe one.
Do you believe that sex and/or a relationship will make your life bearable?
--I believe it can contribute to making life bearable as long as there are other qualities in my life that are fulfilling. Then, it becomes more like a cherry on top.
Do you believe that someone can "fix" you?
--I don't even believe psychologists can "fix" me nor can anyone else for that matter. I believe the only person that can "fix" me is me.
Do you feel that life would have no meaning without a love relationship or without sex?
--I sorta do. I think that if love relationships didn't exist, we would all be ice-cold assholes. But, I do believe that life can still have meaning. Look at monks and nuns, etc; their lives seem to be filled with meaning despite the build-up of cobwebs and miniature tumbleweeds in their sex organs. The point is, everyone wants a relationship at some point or another, and those who don't, usually want sex on some sort of regular basis; as long as we aren't completely miserable without those things or sabotaging our lives as well as the lives of others to attain it, we should be fine.
Are you unable to concentrate on other areas of your life because of thoughts or feelings you are having about another person or about sex?
--There have been moments when I couldn't stop daydreaming about an amazing sexual encounter I had while maybe at work or school or whenever. Like the first time I reached an orgasm from having oral sex performed on me. It's generally impossible for me to climax from oral but this one guy really knew what he was doing; he dedicated much time down there and before I knew it, I was helplessly moaning and twitching. It was so damn amazing, I mentally repeated it for days, causing spurts of arousal and moist moments. I stand by the idea that there is nothing wrong with that. It's hot. Sexuality begins with the mind anyway.
Do you feel that your sexual and/or romantic life affects your spiritual life in a negative way?
--Heck no! I'm spiritual but sex never affects that aspect of my life. In fact, I think that it's my spirituality that helps my sex and romantic life.
Do you find yourself obsessing about a specific person or sexual act even though these thoughts bring pain, craving or discomfort?
--I have found myself "crushing" on a person, not obsessing. It's fun to have crushes, but not to the point of stalking or obsessing. It can sometimes bring cravings for that person's tasty arse, but I suppose that's what masturbation is for, hah!
Do you need to have sex, or "fall in love" in order to feel like a "real man" or a "real woman"?
--I know I'm a real woman. A real ass W-O-M-A-N. I think that whomever I become involved with becomes closer to a "real man" though. ;-)
Do you feel uncomfortable about your masturbation because of the frequency with which you masturbate, the fantasies you engage in, the props you use, and/or the places in which you do it?
--I once did. Not due to the frequency or the fantasies, nor the places in which I do it; it's more about the "props" used. The thing is, I don't use any "props". What bothered me about my masturbation style was the fact that it was all mental. I would lay back and think of a really hot scenario (one that has happened, one that should happen, or perhaps one I have seen happen) and I visualize it. This goes on for only a few minutes until I successfully reach my orgasm. It's what I call hands-free mental masturbation but is also known as the imagery-induced orgasm. I used to think I was a freak until I did some research and discovered that 2% of women are like me in that regard. I heard that even Lady Gaga has the same sexual uniqueness. It's apparently a rare thing, but isn't unhealthy; in fact, I now see it as a blessing. If you or anyone you know has the "power" to engage in hands-free mental masturbation, refer them to : http://www2.hu-berlin.de/sexology/GESUND/ARCHIV/SEN/CH19.HTM#b5-ORGASM AND http://www.wired.com/medtech/health/news/2007/01/72325 AND http://www.springerlink.com/content/t5147852511621h1/ AND HERE.
Does your sexual and/or romantic behavior affect your reputation?
--No. I mean, I don't really know. What I do know is I have been called a sexual creature since grade school, but was always very prude and innocent. It has been said that I might exude a sexual energy though. I was one of the last girls to lose my virginity of all of my friends (18 years old) and have had minimal sex partners since. It's not easy to get me in bed. But I have a suspicion that I may send the wrong signals to people, which undoubtedly causes them to misread me and my actions, especially when I'm drunk. I like to see myself as a free spirit.
Do you have sex and/or "relationships" to try to deal with, or escape from life's problems?
--Yes, relationships, at times. And some people resort to T.V; others, food, drugs, alcohol. I don't have sex to fill the void but I have succumbed to a few relationships because I wasn't wanting to face myself or my life. Everyone has their own escape. I often escape in writing poetry or music or even reading when life hands me lemons (sometimes I just add vodka and make life hand me a lemon drop martini). A little escaping is okay with me, as long as lucidity is always maintained, be it on the back burner or not.
Do you find yourself flirting or sexualizing with someone even if you do not mean to?
--No, I find that some dense, meat-head, pompous, douches think I'm flirting when I clearly am not. I have seen this with many women; we're acting normal, loving life and ourselves, interacting with a guy whom we think may be just a friend or cashier or waiter or customer. It's the bonehead guy that mistakes a pretty smile and a witty remark for a sexual advance or flirtatious pass.
Do you find yourself in a relationship that you cannot leave?
--Once. I still am not completely over this person but I know that he is all wrong for me. After years of on-again/off-again bullshit, I've officially had my fill. I now realize that there is a superior match out there to be made. I simply cannot keep subjecting myself to his cruel and vindictive ways.
Have you lost count of the number of sexual partners you've had?
--Not at all. I am clearly aware of the amount of men I have slept with. It's not a high number. But believe me, there are couple guys I'd looove to lose track of and delete from my memory bank as regrets ensued from the sucky experiences I had with them (Kruger and Dick especially).
Do you feel that you don't want anyone to know about your sexual or romantic activities?
Hmmmmm... seeing as I blog about my sex and romantic life pretty much answers that question. I like privacy, but it's fun to share. I'll never reveal any one's identities or personal information, but I am happy to share my experiences with the world. Only a thick-skinned man could accept that, which is why right now I don't have one.
I can't help but wonder, shouldn't there should be a celebrity gosssip addicts anonymous featuring the makers, employees, watchers and readers of TMZ? Or reality show addicts anonymous or myspace/facebook/twitter addicts anonymous and so on...? I'm just saying...
Anyway, I'm not sure how I feel about the questionnaire; I didn't really get a clear self-diagnosis as I can't possibly answer those questions in simple yes/no form. But I found the opportunity to introspect fun and informative. I definitely wont be admitting myself to S.L.A.A. anytime ever, but I wish luck to those who feel they need it. I think that one should know if their love of sex and/or love is interfering with their lives. But check out the site and see where you measure up.
