skip to main |
skip to sidebar
HUNTERS AND WOMEN Part un
"The Subway Cop"
I met a cop on the subway. He was kinda cute. I was sitting all by my onesies, writing up a storm in my comp book, waiting for the subway to move. A cop walks in, and by cop, I mean subway cop and I'm not sure how that works. Anyway, he, while all was silent in the cabin, approached me and asked my name, told me I'm pretty and cute and that he has been wanting to talk to me for sometime now. By the way, I ride the redline subway every Saturday to go to work at a night club Downtown so this guy probably saw me every week and finally mustered up the courage to talk to me. He asked for my number. Something I didn't want to give, but how can I reject a puffy chested, pretending to be confident, subway cop in front of the entire cabin of people who were all watching and or listening? I didn't have the heart to reject and embarrass him like that so I gave him the digits.
A few days later he sent me a text that read: Hi.
I replied: Hi. Who is this?
His answer: The cop. (Awkward, right?)
The following day he sent me another: What are you doing?
I replied: Eating lunch.
He then wrote: When do you work?
My response: every Saturday
His response: So when can I see you?
I replied: Um, I don't know how to answer that.
Cop: Why?
Me: I don't know, too much pressure I guess... I think you're supposed to assume the male role instead of putting the ball in my court like that.
Cop: I thought we lived in the year 2009 not 1809
ME: Yes but you 're the one who asked me for my number. You're the one text initiating. Asking me when you can see me is bestowing a burden upon me; I now have to tell you when and where you can see me. Men should be hunters and I stand by that.
He didn't respond. I don't really know why that annoyed me. I mean I am totally OK with the idea of women approaching guys I guess, but there's something way hotter about doing it the old school way. I am certain that most women want their men to be hunters! And I know it's hard for men; they say they like when girls approach them because it's so much easier. But doesn't that, on a subconscious level, cause emasculation in said men? If women weren't such bitches to guys that hit on them, they wouldn't fear approaching awesome, friendly chicks like, oh, say me or my best girl, Caca, for example. I beg you bitches to stop being so mean when rejecting guys!
Mr. Copster is so not a hunter. OK, buddy, you had the balls to ask for my number in front of a massive group of nosy people, but you don't have the balls to call me? You don't have the balls to directly ask me out? Now it's my turn to chase you? Something about this guy screams baby dick. And what's this "The cop" crap!? The cop?! Are you kidding me? I am not even sure he qualifies as one. Furthermore, I find something wrong with the way he phrased that. He could have said that he's the cop that met me at the RedLine the other day. Like he's thee cop? What if I'm a cop junkie? How does he know that I don't have other "cops" texticating me from random numbers throughout the day?
Hunters are hot. They have the edge. I will hunt, too, believe me, but I need my man to be a man, thanks. I'll have my man with extra man, please?
LADY LABIA'S TIPS #11-20
11. Please, please, please, don't let your "guy friend" touch you when you guys go out to bars, etc. By touch, I mean the hand on the back, arm around you bit. It's such a cock block. A large percentage of the guys that might have approached you wont once they see your guy pal getting physical. It's confusing for the other dudes. Guys, stop doing that to us. Don't make it look like we're dating when we're in public dammit! We know it makes you look good, but c'mon. Thanks.
12. When you're on a subway and there's a cute guy sitting next to you. Look right at him in his eyes and smile. It will undoubtedly make his day; he'll get a bit of a confidence-boost.
13. Never hook up with your friends' ex-boyfriends! She will hate you. You will hurt her intensely. She may spite you. You'll look like a desperate bitch. Karma will catch you. You and the ex wont last. You'll lose yet another good friend and the respect of many. You will look like you can't find a guy yourself. In other words, you'll look lonely and pathetic. It's an unwritten taboo in our society, let us not act like it's a harmless right. It's tacky and gross. Word.
14. Stop lying to men about having orgasms! Stop faking them! Ladies, it really isn't fair to train these men all wrong! Tell them the truth when they ask you if you climaxed. If the answer is "no", well then they should feel really self conscious about it and try harder, try new things, research. Just stop lying to them. I know you don't want to hurt their feelings but think about the poor girl that has to re-train the ol' dog in the future. And guys, pleease stop using porn as sex 101. The majority of the stuff you see the guys doing is not what gets the job done. Ugh.
15. Straight girl on straight girl action at parties is so retro! It's not cool anymore. It's not sexy. It screams attention whore. Do you kiss guys the way you kiss girls: In front of a gaggle of hooting and hollering men!? I mean, if that's how you kiss guys in public, too, then by all means, bi-sex it up. Otherwise, cut the crap and stop lying to yourself; you're doing it for attention. The next time a drunken hot mess stumbles your way and says, "Omg you're hot, let's make out" give her a card for hypnotherapy. This, of course doesn't apply to lesbians. You guys are hot and I respect your kissing where or whenever. Tits.
16. Just about all Burt's Bees products ROCK! Of my favorites are the Carrot Nutritive Day and night cremes and Marshmallow vanishing creme. They smell delightfully delicious and feel high-quality and amazing on the skin. Their citrus facial scrub is a must-have to take off dead skin and reveal soft, radiant and supple skin. From lip care to skin care, to shampoos and conditioners, Burt's Bees is a brand I swear by!
17. Don't get wasted on a first date! It's tacky and gross. Really, you'll make yourself look stupid at some point and blur your connection with your suitor. I think a 3 drink maximum is best. This goes for men and women. Get a little buzz on to loosen up, but anything else and he'll think you're loose-er.
18. Douche Detective says, "If a guy say the word "vagina" or even references one within 30 seconds of your meeting, he is certifiably a Douche."
19. Douche Detective says, " If a guy cries to you before your 10th date, run, don't walk far away from him." Studies have shown that guys who are that comfortable that early have emotional instabilities and usually end up being the wife-beaters, psycho control freaks, mood-swingers and big nagging, bratty babies. I also know this from personal experience as well as the experiences of several friends. There are exceptions, of course (ie- a recent and untimely death of a pet, friend or family member). But I am dead serious, Immediately flee the scene if you are on a date with a new guy the moment his tear ducts begin to open. Gulp the last of your wine and book it!
20. You know what? I reconsidered it: Ladies! If you absolutely must, fake the damn orgasm! Some guys don't take direction very well, which can be annoying and stressful on your potentially parched pleasure point. To hell with it. Get it over with. Get him out and off. Do him a favor; you really are helping his ego out, after all.
