Subway Encounters - Just Say No Nicely!

I used to be too nice when guys would approach me, whether I found them attractive or not. I felt bad, as though I was bruising the ego of those who actually had the courage to approach me, so I would almost always give a guy at least a chance unless he's a totally unsavory character. But this has gotten really draining for me and sometimes I just don't want to be bothered. Being afraid of being perceived as a bitch was starting to weigh down on me.

So, as usual on a Friday night, I'm walking to the subway when a caramel-skinned cutie with a horribly ugly, over-sized suit on sees me and immediately says, "Hi, beautiful, I love that dress you got on!", to which I responded with a simple "thank you" and immediately walked on the subway and sat down. He followed and asked if he could sit next to me. "Do you mind if I sit next to you, sweetie?" and I replied with a simple and polite, "Yeah."
He obliged and walked away. He didn't get mad. He didn't give me attitude or try to argue with me. He simply walked away and sat down. I mean, he kept staring at me from a distance, but I was okay with that.

It was that simple! This was the dawning of something new for me; I used to be so afraid of hurting feelings that I would normally have said "yes". I even thought this guy was cute, but not my type and certainly not my style. No, I'm not shallow... completely; I like a man who knows how to wear a suit. This guy looked like an 8 year old that audaciously played dress up with his father's suit. Furthermore, I'm not in the mood to meet and get to know some new guy with whom I know I wont share a substantial a connection.

I hope, guys, that you will learn from this not to feel bad when a girl rejects you; she may think you're cute but is just not in the mood. I especially hope that this helps other girls like me gain the courage to say "no" and stop being "too nice to guys" that don't necessarily deserve it.

Ask Boy Junkie! - Female Douche Bags

"Dear Dr, Labia

Why is it that any girl, ever, who has just met a guy, would think its ok to flirt with said guy, in front of their boyfriend, and when this happens, how should said guy react (either one)? Do these girls know what they are doing to their boyfriends self esteem? Do they know wtf a pissing contest is? On a similar note, why is it, that many girls only seem to notice a guy when he has another girl with him, who is enjoying his company? Is this some kinda lesbian thing? Or is it like having a reference for an application to a job? How can a guy get a girls attention without being the band leader of a ho parade?

-Disturbed"

Dear Disturbed,

There are a few things to consider in this type of situation. The girl may not be actually flirting with you. Some girls come off that way unintentionally. If you are certain she is flirting with you then she is a douche bag, or, rather, douchette. She is either a potential cheater and has no shame in her game or is trying to make her boyfriend jealous. She knows exactly what she is doing to him and that's exactly how she wants him to feel. The actions of women in that regard tend to be more contrived and calculated than men. She knows his self esteem will suffer and, because she lacks self-esteem herself, this brings her delight. Believe it or not, a lot of women do this, unaware that they're also confusing the guys with whom they're flirting. Perhaps they have an open relationship. Perhaps he does that to her and she's acting vindictively. The boyfriend should consider writing her off. Any girl that plays games like that is dangerous. The guy being used, aka the "tool" should ignore her flirtatious advances, respect his fellow male associate and walk away. It can only lead to chaos if he lingers in hopes of scoring with some dude's girlfriend.

Most girls are competitive because they're insecure. They feel as though they have won something (validation) if they score a guy that doesn't need her (due to the plethora of hot chicks surrounding him); they find endearment in feeling as though they're better  than or have one-upped another hot chick. These girls are kinda dangerous, too, as they are mostly stimulated by negative variables. Try the old fashioned ways of courtship. Approach a girl like a normal guy. Talk to her. You essentially don't need to play games or set boobie traps. If she is attracted to you and likes what you have to say, she will reciprocate your advances.  Remember that mystery stimulates the libido.

"Textication Nation" Texting While Driving PSA - Is This Video Too Graphic Or Just What We Need?

We live in t he age of technology. Duh. We have created so many new devices and lifestyles that we are struggling in many ways to keep up with and adapt to  our man-made environments.

It was once a very normal thing to do... pulling over to use a pay phone to call someone's land line. But there were obvious inconveniences in that. Then, we created pagers (which I really want to rock again! They're ulta 90's, pager codes are hilarious and they remind me of the more innocent days. Let me not forget to mention The Cool Kids' awesome song, "with a little bit of gold and a pager"). But we were limited with pagers. We had to find a phone just to see who was paging us or decipher bizarre pager codes, ie- 143 (i love you), 43770(hello), etc. And what if we didn't have any change? What if the person paging us is someone with whom we don't want to speak? So we pushed that forward and came up with voice-mail to go with our pagers. You can leave a message and the person you paged can check it from any phone! But this, too was flawed as we learned that we might want to reply to the person that left the v-mail and we want to reply right away. This quickly manifested the bulky cellar phone. Refer to Save by The Bell's Zack Morris (I used to think he was such a hottie) and his gigantic cell phone that was bigger than any land phone today.  And you could use it in your car! Oh how cool you looked driving with your giant phone plugged into your car.

But stopping at cell phones wasn't enough. I mean, yeah, we can finally talk to anyone we want, whenever we want, wherever we want, we can text, leave messages, but can't send emails. I can't take pictures. I can't use it as a motherfucking video camera. These cell phones sure are becoming useless... Quick! Someone do something about it! Thanks!

Ok, so now I can do all of the above plus some with my phone, but how will I ever get where I need to go without GPS? I mean back in the day, people obviously didn't go anywhere, but this is the new millennium, how will I get from point A to B? GPS bitch! It will never stop.

So now you can virtually do just about anything on your cellular phone that you could do with your computer. AND you can do it ANYWHERE!! Yaaay! what new problems could possibly arise from this? I mean, we are basically at the peak of technology advancement, so what would really go wrong? 

Oh! Driving while on that magical little device! Yes! I forgot how important it is to text, make phone calls, fucking blog, search music, etc on your phone while driving 65 plus motherfucking miles an hour thinking your dumb ass is invincible. Nothing is ever enough for us. We learn efficient ways to do shit but then we abuse it and screw it up. Now people are dying all the damn time because of the lack of self control, narcissism, fucking blatant stupidity that is embedded in most people, Los Angeles dwellers especially.  I stumbled on this new PSA Texting while Driving video in which 3 girls are in a car, the one driving is texting and crashes into another car, killing her friends and some of the passengers in the other car. This video is extremely graphic and is made to tug on heart strings with hopes of helping us realize just how severe the consequences of being on our cells phones while driving can be. I personally think it's a good idea. What do you think?

Produced by the Gwent Police Department.

I know, slightly dramatic but it is COMPLETELY REALISTIC! It illustrates the dangers of texting while driving. Americans can only view this video online because currently it has been deemed "too graphic" to air on U.S. television WHICH IS STUPID because this is EXACTLY what people everywhere in the world need to see! I usually give my friends such shit for texting and driving because I don't want to die, especially not like that. I rather die saving a life or doing something heroic. But to go down because of the unintelligence and recklessness of a friend would have me haunting them in my spirit life.  After watching this video, there is no way I’m sending out texts while behind the wheel. The more this film is viewed, the better. Please, if you are severely guilty of this, don't feel bad... well fell bad, but don't get embarrassed. Just stop. Now. Please. You will literally be helping save lives. Do you want to live with blood on your hands?

ASK BOY JUNKIE!!!!!

Do you have a burning question? Looking for modern dating/love/life/relationship or sex advice? Wanna laugh a little? Want the brash truth and the realest answers? Like good whiskey, I'll give 'em to you straight, no chaser! "Ask Boy Junkie" is in full swing so shoot me an email if you have any questions. If you wish, I will keep your identity a secret.

Hit me with your hot questions or comments at :

askboyjunkie@gmail.com

or instant message me at:

TidalAbleFish@aim.com

PS - I love gifts!! Feel free to send me stuffs and I will shower you

with compliments.

Thank you !

Subway Encounters - The Mystery Hottie on the Subway - part deux

I saw him again! The random subway hottie! ( For those of you who don't know who that is, refer to my "Subway Encounters part un")

So, I'm sitting on the subway, heading to work on a Friday night, as usual, and lookin' all cute, when I look up and see him walking past the window by which I'm sitting. We spot each other at the same time and I could see, clearly, that his pupils became dilated which is a good sign. My pupils certainly did! My eyes could feast on him all day long, in fact. He was dressed way cuter this time; Plaid shorts, Cute black old school Reeboks. Some plain shirt that hugged his bodacious bod so well.

Seeing him made my heart skip a beat simply because of his dashing looks and my being caught completely off guard. I thought to myself how exciting it was. Here I am writing about this while he's probably off somewhere playing soccer. I guess I'm a little creep, but I'm okay with that. I like creepiness.

Why, oh, why is our timing so bad? We smiled and looked at each other as the subway took off with me in it. He, standing in front of the window, waved at me until I was out of sight. I watched with puppy eyes.

TIPS THAT SAVE CHICKS #5

DR. LABIA'S TIPS 41-50

41.  Don't be afraid to scope out that hottie's bulge in his pants. They get to scope our goods all the time... Boobs, butt... curves. Look for that bulge. When they're big, it's exciting and creates sexy images. Guys, don't be afraid to fly commando so we can see that bulge. Mmm hmmm. Bulge. And stare hard for a while until he notices... then keep staring until he's rendered uncomfortable.

42. Text Etiquette - Give the realest person in front of you the most attention. Texting while someone is talking to you and only you, is unbelievably rude. I'm not talking about one measly text; I'm talking about having a full on back and forth convo with someone via text every few seconds. You're having two convos at once. The next time someone does that to me, I'm going to literally turn my back to them the next time they ramble about important stuff, then I will engage in a conversation with whomever else is around. Grow some fucking balls, excuse yourself and call them if it's so important. . . Stop having two conversations at once! I should totally take this advice.

43.  When you kiss a guy and he immediately opens his mouth and slips you the tongue, you can be sure that 1. he is only interested in a sexual exchange and/or 2. isn't a very skilled kisser. It's good to let the lips lock and let electricity exchange between the two of you before opening up and swapping mouth fluids. Think of the ocean and it's rhythm. Kissing dogs and frogs is gross.

44. Sexy sexy sexy rules: Wanna be sexy? Grab his "junk" in the midst of an intense hook-up and whisper in his ear and tell him how much you want it, you want it, want it. If he's more of a sadist, beg him please, please, please stop. Mmm Hmm.

45. Guys really hate razor bumps so do whatever it takes to avoid those. Some helpful tips are: Use a fresh razor every time, wax, laser(creepy), use a lot of shaving cream, rinse the razor after every stroke  and for the first day you shave, try not to wear tight synthetic fabrics, try to stick to cotton so your pores can breathe. But, on the contrary, guys need to understand that it happens sometimes and to stop imposing their impossible standards on us women. Fuck you if you think we should have to shave every day or even every other day. Fuck you if you think hairy legs and muffs are intolerable. We wish you motherfuckers could cum on command, very few of you can; do we hold it against you? Nay. Insisting that a woman should always be hairless is like trying to defy the ways of nature. You can't love women but hate their hair, the fact that they get their period, etc. You must love us not for the sum of some parts but as a whole. So stop perpetuating the cycle of self-image issues that torment women and get over it if she has razor bumps or hairy legs every now and then. I like the number 6, which means if I only like 1 and 2 and hated 3, I wouldn't know the number 6. 

46. Attention, Men!!!! Don't shave your pubic areas bare. A little trim never hurt but, DAMN! We don't want to look down and see elementary school boy parts. Scary, unattractive and weird. Bare balls are creepy. Trim, don't shave them. We want to be reminded that you're a man, thanks. While it may make your dick look bigger, it doesn't ACTUALLY make your dick bigger. Pointless, indeed. Keep a little, yes A LITTLE, hair down there and show us who the lion really is. I, of course am not speaking for all women, just the ones who makes sense. I mean seriously, what the hell is going on in your mind when your shaving your ball bare? Stop it. Now. It's okay, you might feel a little embarrassed, but Im actually saving you guys from embarrassing yourselves in the future.

47. Break-ups - When it hurts so much that you think your heart will explode, your stomach emaciated when someone fails you, fear not. This feeling will definitely vanish. What helps? Writing about it. Allow yourself to be completely vulnerable. Sit in your sanctuary and bare your soul to yourself. I write songs, poems, shorts, blogs and it seriously works wonders.

48. Sex Etiquette - Don't ever let a guy cum on your face. Ever. Seriously don't. He'll get over it even though he's a little gross for wanting to in the first place. You're better than that. Love your face. Love yourself.

49. It's quiet on myspace. I still love myspace and I will always have one. I like decorating my page but on facebook, you can really interact with the people that matter most. As much as I hate admitting this, face book is better. There. Ugh. I said it. Don't tell anyone, though.

50. Driving and texting or talking on the phone offenders are still running rampant and it's making me a little sick. I imagine the regrets that will be expressed when you find your car totaled, your passengers dead, and you, crippled. I really hope it was worth responding to asinine conversation that just couldn't wait. You think you're safe. You think you're good at it. Everyone seems to share this delusion of invincibility. Get real. This shit is no joke! People could actually dieeee. And we don't want to dizzie yet! 

TIPS THAT SAVE CHICKS #4

DR. LABIA'S TIPS#31-40

31. Phone sex is lame lame lame! I'm so not about it. There's nothing more awkward than talking to a little voice in a little phone and saying stuff that you think is sexy. You're listening to a little voice in a little phone and touching yourself. But back up and step out of yourself for a moment, think about how silly you both really sound and look... Kinda embarrassing, right? No matter how sexy the voice, the person on the other end, the words cumming out of your mouths are, YOU'RE NOT ACTUALLY HOOKING UP. I tried to do it a few times but feel bad admitting that I wasn't touching myself and didn't get off. I even pressed mute to laugh a little. I just can't take you seriously... sorry.

32. If a girl wanted you and knew that you would have her, then you would have her. If you don't have her, it's because she simply does not want you. When we like someone, we don't want to waste time and risk losing him to someone else. We will simply let him have us.... with a little game-playing, of course. So take the hint, it's not cryptic.

33. Attention guys! when a girl sends you sexy picture of her, whether you thinks it's her best shot or not, reciprocate by telling her how smokin' hot she is (especially if it was YOU who asked her to send one). It'll only help you out in the future; she'll suck you off that much harder, she'll be more enthused about pleasing you, she'll feel good about herself, she'll send you more pictures. Don't you understand that you, too, benefit from doing this? Give her the reassurance and stop being so damn dense.

34. Stop gender on gender hate! I am so utterly sick of guys getting all pissed off when I show up at a party with a guy friend. We all know it's hard for girls to be friends, what the hell are we supposed to do!? Invite our non-existent girl friends? Not show up? And why should I have to come alone just because you don't know enough girls? You shouldn't want to be the last guy on Earth just to get a girl. What does that say about you? Are you scared of a little competition? You don't know any girls except her and her? Damn. You're throwing the party; it's your responsibility to create gender-balance. Not ours. Besides, we don't mind sausage-fests anyway. More meat for us to choose from. Sorry.

35. Douche Detective says, "If you want to talk to a girl, approach her. Do not summon her from a distance like a master calling his dog and expect her to come running. " It's rude, slightly cowardly, yet cocky. What gift do you think you are to women? If you're not willing to put forth the effort to, say, cross the street, walk a few steps, or perhaps venture over to her bar stool, you're a lazy douche and don't deserve any girls time.

36.Douche Detective says, "If a guy asks for your number right away ( immediately before or after getting your name) and doesn't know a damn thing about you, he obviously just wants to bang-bang you." What he's revealing is that he is not interested in who you are and doesn't really want to get to know you. He's revealing that he probably asks every pretty girl for her number and that his standards, as far as personality goes, are drastically low. He's a serial digits collecting douche, a perpetual tail-chaser. A hollowing waste of time.

37. You know that violent circular motion that you guys do when rubbing the clitoris? You know, that thing you see chicks do to themselves in porn? You know, you sometimes do it when you're inside a girl to double the pleasure? Well, it sucks and we hate it. Stop. Please. You're drying us out. You're numbing our 'clitori'. You have indicated that you watch too much porn and use it as sex 101. Not sexy. Please, for the love of God, stop. You're killing us. No more parched pleasure points! Stop veegee violence!

38. Stop using friends to fill your voids then tossing them out when you (finally) find romance. Ditching your friends just because you found a new girlfriend/boyfriend is sad. It screams co-dependency. I know the butterflies and giddy gumdrops are like a whirlpool of delight that you want to fall into and get sucked in, but when you completely forsake your friendships with those closest to you, you look like an ass and imply that your friends aren't worth the 5 minutes a week to call back to say hello and show that you give a crap about how they are doing. Omg, you finally found someone; time to hold on tight like a fucking baby that finally found it's mama. You're selfish, needy and lonely. Balance! Have you self-centered assholes heard of that? What's worse is when you come running back when you get heart broken or when your lover is out of town. You are a co-dependent leech and don't deserve such loyal friends. Shape up and start treating them better before they forsake you for good. You will realize, when you're all alone again, that it wasn't worth it.

39. If you have a boyfriend, ladies, please don't stalk his chick friends! It's such a desperate and feeble attempt to claim some sort of control over your insecurities and your man. You are humiliating yourself when his unsuspecting friend gets a random add request from you on her private facebook, myspace, etc. It's obvious that you want to lurk on the potential comments he might have left her or to compare yourself to her. It's unproductive. Be strong. You shouldn't have to do that to keep your man faithful. I promise, you will save face if you accept and deal with the mystery. Chances are you will stumble on something that will freak you out, even though it probably means nothing. I bet you she doesn't even like your man.. stop it, please. Lurker!

40. Wash your Hands before touching vagina - It's really gross to see when a guy doesn't ever wash his hands after using the restroom or ever, then tries to touch your privates. You might as well drag your hands on a bathroom floor and then stick your fingers in us. C'mon, guys. The vagina is sensitive. Wash your hands before putting them all over the us, please? It's the classy thing to do. Eww... think about all those germs on your hands and now you're going to put them in us?! Yucky and inconsiderate. Help keep the veegee clean!

Hunters and Women

HUNTERS AND WOMEN Part un
"The Subway Cop"




I met a cop on the subway. He was kinda cute. I was sitting all by my onesies, writing up a storm in my comp book, waiting for the subway to move. A cop walks in, and by cop, I mean subway cop and I'm not sure how that works. Anyway, he, while all was silent in the cabin, approached me and asked my name, told me I'm pretty and cute and that he has been wanting to talk to me for sometime now. By the way, I ride the redline subway every Saturday to go to work at a night club Downtown so this guy probably saw me every week and finally mustered up the courage to talk to me. He asked for my number. Something I didn't want to give, but how can I reject a puffy chested, pretending to be confident, subway cop in front of the entire cabin of people who were all watching and or listening? I didn't have the heart to reject and embarrass him like that so I gave him the digits.
A few days later he sent me a text that read: Hi.
I replied: Hi. Who is this?
His answer: The cop. (Awkward, right?)
The following day he sent me another: What are you doing?
I replied: Eating lunch.
He then wrote: When do you work?
My response: every Saturday
His response: So when can I see you?
I replied: Um, I don't know how to answer that.
Cop: Why?
Me: I don't know, too much pressure I guess... I think you're supposed to assume the male role instead of putting the ball in my court like that.
Cop: I thought we lived in the year 2009 not 1809
ME: Yes but you 're the one who asked me for my number. You're the one text initiating. Asking me when you can see me is bestowing a burden upon me; I now have to tell you when and where you can see me. Men should be hunters and I stand by that.

He didn't respond. I don't really know why that annoyed me. I mean I am totally OK with the idea of women approaching guys I guess, but there's something way hotter about doing it the old school way. I am certain that most women want their men to be hunters! And I know it's hard for men; they say they like when girls approach them because it's so much easier. But doesn't that, on a subconscious level, cause emasculation in said men? If women weren't such bitches to guys that hit on them, they wouldn't fear approaching awesome, friendly chicks like, oh, say me or my best girl, Caca, for example. I beg you bitches to stop being so mean when rejecting guys!

Mr. Copster is so not a hunter. OK, buddy, you had the balls to ask for my number in front of a massive group of nosy people, but you don't have the balls to call me? You don't have the balls to directly ask me out? Now it's my turn to chase you? Something about this guy screams baby dick. And what's this "The cop" crap!? The cop?! Are you kidding me? I am not even sure he qualifies as one. Furthermore, I find something wrong with the way he phrased that. He could have said that he's the cop that met me at the RedLine the other day. Like he's thee cop? What if I'm a cop junkie? How does he know that I don't have other "cops" texticating me from random numbers throughout the day?
Hunters are hot. They have the edge. I will hunt, too, believe me, but I need my man to be a man, thanks. I'll have my man with extra man, please?

TIPS THAT SAVE CHICKS #3

LADY LABIA'S TIPS #21-30



21. The line between cuddle buddy and friend with benefits - is quite thin actually. Men tend to read too much into cuddling than chicks. If we like you, cuddling means the world; if not, you're JUST a cuddle buddy which means: no boob touching, no kissing, no poking us with your morning wood, no sleeping naked, or watching porn. Awkward. Spooning is okay, as is gentle back scratching and massaging. Don't get too fresh, Big fella.

22. Compliments make you a better person - One compliment can go a long way! Studies show that giving compliments helps boost your self-esteem. Don't be stingy; kill two birds with one stone and give a GENUINE compliment the next person you see or talk to.

23. Don't post all 30 pictures from your self photo shoot on your myspace, facebook, ect. You're wearing the same thing. The background is the same and is usually a bathroom door or bathroom floor. Every picture shows minimal, if any, changes in expression and angles. Why are you doing this to us? I don't have the time to dissect which one is the best; you do it your damn self. Man, I wish I could express how lame that makes you look. I don't want to hurt any one's feelings; I am just trying to help you out. Pick the best 2 or 3 and commit.

24. Homie Hoppers are Tic-Tac-Gross! Homie Hoppers are insecure lazy, non-profit hookers that don't have what it takes to venture past their front lawn for new relationships or hook-ups. So, they end up hooking up with their friends, their friends' friends, their exes friends and their friends exes. They eventually turn cliques into groups of inbreeds. Yuck. Homie Hoppers don't look 3 feet ahead of themselves, disregard their degradation, future reputation and the people they'll hurt. If the average group of guys you hang out with on a daily basis all have had sex or a even made out with you, you need to do some serious introspection. You are artless and classless. Tic-Tacky-Gross. You're embarrassing yourself. I feel bad for you.

25. Why do twenty-something people refer to themselves as old? It's like saying you're rich because you have 25 cents instead of a dollar. I'm 26 and loving it. I'm not getting younger so I try to make sure to savor every moment in my fun, rip roaring 20's.

26. Don't share toothbrushes. Nasty.

27. Stop pinning men up on white horses and chariots. Most women basically think of what their wedding dress will look like within minutes of meeting a guy they like. Stop doing this. You're embarrassing yourself. Take him for what he is in that moment. Look forward to the adventure. Go with the flow. Ride the tide. Feel alive.

28. Stop telling guys their penises are small! when you're mad at or breaking up with them. I mean, if you know it's small, chances are he does, too. Why remind him of his dick bits that he'll never shake off in life? And def don't say it to a guy who knows he's packing 'cause it'll make you look desperate for a way to hurt him; he wont care since every other girl tells him how massive and magical his staff is... Overall, it's a pretty harsh thing to say. It hurts men and their egos and sometimes their sex drive. The baby dick talk is something to be had with your girlfriends; that's when you can get ruthless and say things like, "he had a baby dick anyway. I never knew when he was inside me." Just feel sorry for the next girl; in fact, buy her a magnifying glass and help her find his mini stick. Have some self control and stop being a spiteful bitch. Kiss.

29. Text Etiquette - Some are incredibly asinine and don't deserve responses. If some one isn't texting you back it's because they don't care. Back off.

30. Douche Detective says, " If a guy compliments himself within minutes of your meeting him (i.e - "i have a big dick", "Awesome my tattoos are", "I'm a musician", boasts about success or status) he is a certified douche and will probably try to kiss you because he bought you a drink and told you to keep the change. And he'll try this in front of the entire bar/party.. ugh.. guys stop it! It's so gnarly. And we feel kinda bad rejecting you in front of everyone but you give us no choice because 1. We don't want to kiss you. 2. We wont pity kiss you while making ourselves look like bar skanks. Damn douche!

TIPS THAT SAVE CHICKS #2

LADY LABIA'S TIPS #11-20



11. Please, please, please, don't let your "guy friend" touch you when you guys go out to bars, etc. By touch, I mean the hand on the back, arm around you bit. It's such a cock block. A large percentage of the guys that might have approached you wont once they see your guy pal getting physical. It's confusing for the other dudes. Guys, stop doing that to us. Don't make it look like we're dating when we're in public dammit! We know it makes you look good, but c'mon. Thanks.

12. When you're on a subway and there's a cute guy sitting next to you. Look right at him in his eyes and smile. It will undoubtedly make his day; he'll get a bit of a confidence-boost.

13. Never hook up with your friends' ex-boyfriends! She will hate you. You will hurt her intensely. She may spite you. You'll look like a desperate bitch. Karma will catch you. You and the ex wont last. You'll lose yet another good friend and the respect of many. You will look like you can't find a guy yourself. In other words, you'll look lonely and pathetic. It's an unwritten taboo in our society, let us not act like it's a harmless right. It's tacky and gross. Word.

14. Stop lying to men about having orgasms! Stop faking them! Ladies, it really isn't fair to train these men all wrong! Tell them the truth when they ask you if you climaxed. If the answer is "no", well then they should feel really self conscious about it and try harder, try new things, research. Just stop lying to them. I know you don't want to hurt their feelings but think about the poor girl that has to re-train the ol' dog in the future. And guys, pleease stop using porn as sex 101. The majority of the stuff you see the guys doing is not what gets the job done. Ugh.

15. Straight girl on straight girl action at parties is so retro! It's not cool anymore. It's not sexy. It screams attention whore. Do you kiss guys the way you kiss girls: In front of a gaggle of hooting and hollering men!? I mean, if that's how you kiss guys in public, too, then by all means, bi-sex it up. Otherwise, cut the crap and stop lying to yourself; you're doing it for attention. The next time a drunken hot mess stumbles your way and says, "Omg you're hot, let's make out" give her a card for hypnotherapy. This, of course doesn't apply to lesbians. You guys are hot and I respect your kissing where or whenever. Tits.

16. Just about all Burt's Bees products ROCK! Of my favorites are the Carrot Nutritive Day and night cremes and Marshmallow vanishing creme. They smell delightfully delicious and feel high-quality and amazing on the skin. Their citrus facial scrub is a must-have to take off dead skin and reveal soft, radiant and supple skin. From lip care to skin care, to shampoos and conditioners, Burt's Bees is a brand I swear by!

17. Don't get wasted on a first date! It's tacky and gross. Really, you'll make yourself look stupid at some point and blur your connection with your suitor. I think a 3 drink maximum is best. This goes for men and women. Get a little buzz on to loosen up, but anything else and he'll think you're loose-er.

18. Douche Detective says, "If a guy say the word "vagina" or even references one within 30 seconds of your meeting, he is certifiably a Douche."


19. Douche Detective says, " If a guy cries to you before your 10th date, run, don't walk far away from him." Studies have shown that guys who are that comfortable that early have emotional instabilities and usually end up being the wife-beaters, psycho control freaks, mood-swingers and big nagging, bratty babies. I also know this from personal experience as well as the experiences of several friends. There are exceptions, of course (ie- a recent and untimely death of a pet, friend or family member). But I am dead serious, Immediately flee the scene if you are on a date with a new guy the moment his tear ducts begin to open. Gulp the last of your wine and book it!

20. You know what? I reconsidered it: Ladies! If you absolutely must, fake the damn orgasm! Some guys don't take direction very well, which can be annoying and stressful on your potentially parched pleasure point. To hell with it. Get it over with. Get him out and off. Do him a favor; you really are helping his ego out, after all.

Subway Encounters - The Mystery Hottie on the Subway part un

I saw a yummy yummy guy on the subway the other day. He was tall, trim but not too skinny, had dark brown hair, broad shoulders, big hands, a beautiful smile and had obviously come from some sort of soccer practice (which is why I'll excuse the soccer shorts and jersey). He was wearing the cutest aqua colored Reebok sneakers and was totally fit but not too buff. He had big brown eyes and a gentle but handsome face. A face I would have loved to sit on. I noticed him because he kept staring at me, which I caught in the corner of my eye. One glimpse at him and I was immediately fine with being stared at. I subtly checked him out(Guys, if you think girls aren't thinking like little perverts when we check you out, think again. Once I do the overall scan, I then imagine him naked and the characteristics of his package. I also look at how he carries himself and, in full detail, imagine what he's like in bed). All mental images of him were hott.

I mustered up the courage to turn my head and look at him, but he caught me. Suddenly, I found myself locked in a mutual gaze with a perfect and handsome stranger for a few intense seconds. Then we broke; both a little shy... Then he continued to stare, not like a creep (even though that would have been fine, too,) but like a cute shy guy copping stares when he thought I wasn't looking.

I continued writing in my composition book, you know, to keep cool and noticed that he was attempting to read my words. So I decided to write this: "The guy sitting next to me is Hot! I'd run my fingers through his gorgeous brown hair and kiss his big brown eyes. Yum." I knew when he was done reading it because his face turned red and a Cheshire cat smile stretched across his face. He continued to stare at me, but with a big, bashful grin until he leaned over and asked my name. He was a little shy... We exchanged very few words.

The subway arrived at my destination, 7th and Metro, so I had to go. I stood up and said bye, and then as I walked toward the door, he asked for my phone number.I didn't have enough time! The subway would have left with me still in it so we missed out on the number swap. Damn! I thought the way we met was totally hot and wished that he had asked for the digits sooner. Instead, he waited until the last moment as did I; I should have told him the next stop was mine.

This guy was sooo hot! I mean hot-hot! Like the kind of guy you'd do extra naughty things with but could still take home to mom and dad. The kind of guy that you know could be a hunter and slam you against the wall, pin your arms up, thrust his strong body against yours and kiss you, yet would probably make you homemade soup if you were sick or buy you tampons when your cramps prevent you from getting them yourself. The kind of guy who refuses to climax before you.

I am such a fucking boy junkie, clearly.... Because I want that man so badly and I don't even know him! This guy will always remain a mystery to me... If I happen to see him again, sweet. If not, oh well; I can't miss what I don't know.

A Rendezvous. With a Random Boy, New.

I have been laying low lately; trying to save up money to move out of the La-La Land we know as Los Angeles.. I have admitted myself to my dungeon to work on my music and overall self-evolution. There was a big, bad wolf sleeping inside me that awoke; it was hungry for some fresh action.

A friend was playing a show at a bbq with another band and I went along. I didn't really know anyone. But as the day became night and I filled up on brass monkey, a little liquid courage if you will, I began to socialize with the other band's super cute merch boy. Let me make this clear: I am not a groupie or even slightly new to the whole boys in bands/ being in bands with boys or dating musicians scene. This guy was cute. Curly brown hair, tall, facial hair, glasses, tattoos, skinny jeans and converse shoes. He had a cynicism to him that I found endearing since I, too, am quite cynical. We have similar senses of humor, share a fondness for music and adventure so I was totally attracted.

After the bbq, we all went back to my friends house for more beer and sexual tension. Now, this friend of mine happens to have a crush on me so he found himself jealous and tried to cock block between Merch Boy and me. Merch boy was leaving Cali the following morning so I figured I should make the best of the attraction and an awesome connection with him for a few hours. Why not? And as for my buddy, I don't owe him anything because we aren't dating, so if I like a guy, he's just going to have to deal with that. I wasn't going to let him and his erratic jealousy stop me from having a titillating endeavor.

So Merch boy and I continued our deliciously flirtatious escapade and I started thinking that I HAVE to AT LEAST kiss his face once. He was throwing all the signs with gentle touches and verbal yumminess. I reciprocated naturally. But we had to do it secretly because my of my prowling and jealous friend. For the length of their short or long lives, secrets can be exciting (as long as you're not seriously fucking someone over of course). We began texting back and forth to form a plan: When everyone retires for the night, we must vanish like horny ninjas and go for a walk around the block. ... ..

Finally, about 5am or so, the coast was clear! We sneaked out the side of the house and walked down the block and around the peaceful, suburban neighborhood. Another thing that made this guy so fun happened when we were passing a deck of flat wood. I said "Dance on this wood with me." And he said, "Okay." Tickled me fancy! Most guys I like are too uptight to say yes and "embarrass" themselves with me. So we did sort of a "jig" on the wood for a few seconds, laughed and continued down the road. I spotted a sweet little spot for us to play. A little grassy nook on the sidewalk of a very quiet street. There was a great view of trees and greenery, the sky was brilliant, the sun was soon to come up.

We sat down on the grass. I didn't waste any time since we were on a time crunch, and I wanted to help make it easier for him to not have to plot some cheesy move. I had a cheesy plan of attack of my own; a very juvenile one. So I said, " Kiss my cheek." And then he kissed it. And I giggled. Then, he said, "Kiss my cheek." and I did. In my quirky and charming sorta way, I then said, "Now kiss my lips." And he obediently leaned in and kissed me. The kiss was slow at first, our closed mouth kiss to tongue rhythms were in sync and electric. Meaningless or not, there was poetry in our kiss. What topped off the experience was the birds chirping. All was silent but those beautiful birdies singing and mine & Merch Boy's oh-so gentle moans. It was ethereal actually.

We then found ourselves laying on the grass side by side, kissing, breathing a little heavier and occasionally expressing enjoyment of the steamy situation. "Damn, damn, damn.. You are all kinds of damn." He said. I laughed and agreed that he, too, was 'all kinds of damn'. Let's see, we've got the hot damn, the smart damn, the fun to hang out with/talk to damn, the funny damn, the oh shit we also have a physical connection damn, the you're getting me hot n bothered thus making me question my morals damn, and the you're totally fucking sexy damn.

Ok, I HAD to do the -ahem- junk check!! I know what you're thinking. Slut! No! But whenever I have an encounter like that with a guy, I feel a bizarre need to do the junk check to see what meat he's packing. So I did it; It wasn't a monster dick but definitely not a baby dick which is good; it felt like it could be a perfect fit.

Moral dilemma! I don't usually go passed a make-out with a boy until we've hooked up at least a few times on different occasions. But this situation was different. We only met the night before he was leaving. But I wanted to take Merch Boy's junk and do naughty things to it and throw my morals out the window. He didn't hesitate to cop a boob feel. That was okay with me. That's within my '1st hook-up code book'. It was hot.

The sun was up in what seemed to have been no time. We realized that we should prolly go back to the hizzie before everyone woke up. To shorten this story, I'll jump right to the damn near end. We decided on one more last little smooch in the bathroom... (ugh, I know, tacky as hell... but still pretty fuckin' rock-n-roll) which was really our only option. Things kinda got a little awkward. Merch Boy basically asked me to ... how do I say this... finish him off. But that isn't within my '1st hook up code book'. I mean, I guess I could have jacked him off but... just seemed awkward; I just didn't want it to go down like that. And I do feel kinda bad about it; I left him without climax which I totally know sucks. He was awesome and deserved to 'get off'. Kind of a bitchy thing for me to do, but at the same time, I can't do something I don't want to just to make some boy that I'll never see again happy for 5 seconds. I think he was a little pissed off? But he'll definitely go in my book as one of the 'Hottest Random Hook-ups'. It's sort of an archive of hot, bizarre, random and sexy moments shared with guys that have entered my life. Some of them were special to me, others were not significant at all. As long as the encounter was hot, it will go in my Hottest Random Hook-ups book.

So I got to thinking that merchandise guys are smart; they go on tours with bands who do way more work and get as many, if not more, chicks than the band members themselves. That's because there's a certain charm about the quintessential guy who's not in the band but with the band on tour. My guess is that some girls don't want to do the typical thing which is hook up with someone in the band. So merch guys, tour managers, roadies all get lotsa purrkitty perks.

I enjoyed my few days of partying and debauchery. But now it's time to get back down to business and work, save money, work on my music and enjoy the solitude of being a hermit. Thanks, Merch Boy, for the fun fling though. 'Twas random and fun!

TIPS THAT SAVE CHICKS #1

LADY LABIA'S TIPS #1-10

1. Avoid textation-ships! Text-relationships with a guys or girls that you have only met once or twice are useless, meaningless and shallow. If you both don't have the balls to call one another and it's been weeks to months, call it quits early in the cowardly cyber lame game. They don't count as friends either.

2. Exercise instead of eating ice cream when you're depressed - go out for a jog, power walk or swim. Weeee! It will really help you release endorphins. You may end up feeling excited when you think about a break up or drama! I swear! Recently, I had my heart broken by a guy that always finds the best ways to hurt me... The pain was excruciating. I have been roller skating every few days now and I find that I get giddy, even when I think of him! I somehow manage to feel happy that I am no longer burdened with the perils of Him, that douche. If I were sitting around the house eating ice cream and crap, I would sink deeper and develop low self-esteem from the weight gain and stagnation.

3. Best Hangover Cure is, believe it or don't, apple-cider vinegar! I know it sounds gross, but it is extremely good for you! Take one shot and follow with a few glasses of water. For sensitive stomachs, dilute with water. You'll get a quick and subtle buzz that will help balance your equilibrium.

4. Thou Shall Not Flake - If you make plans with someone, don't act like a stereo-typical, self-centered, selfish L.A douche bag and flake - especially last minute. It's rude. If you change your mind for trivial reasons, keep your commitment. It will make you a better person. Furthermore it shows that you are reliable and up for adventure.

5. Have a back up stash of munchies - You never know when your stomach may need sustenance. In your purse or car, always stay equipped with some nuts for filling and candies for saliva and fresh breath.

6. Attention, Men!! Never, ever walk around in a shirt and no underpants!! It is by far one of the most unattractive things ever. And it doesn't matter how sexy you are, it's downright gross and looks silly. Your sexy meter will go down a notch in the subconscious minds of your lovers.

7. Break Cyber Ties - After a (bad) break-up - Don't check up on your ex's MySpace, face book or twitter unless you are completely over them. Otherwise, it becomes masochistic and unproductive. Trust me; once you get passed the first month of stomach knots and sheer heartache, you'll realize that you actually can live without them. By checking their profiles even once in a while, you're subconsciously holding on to the past and rendered powerless over the present.

8. Just say yes! - Every once in a while, it's productive to say yes to something to which you would normally say "no". I'm not talking about drugs or anything that is obviously dangerous or flat out stupid (please have common sense here). Go out with that guy you always said no to. Go hang with that friend that always bugs you to hang out but somehow you're always "too busy" for. Eat that dish that you always strayed away from tasting. You may be pleasantly surprised to see what can happen when you change your natural flow; you could meet someone special, have a fabulous epiphany, find money, run into a special friend, get discovered, or simply discover a new dish. Sounds fun right? Live life; stop being scared of change; everyone deserves some adventure no matter how big or small.

9. Dating Geeks is awesome but dangerous!! Beware of geeks and nerds, as they never got the girl in high school. If they go from having no sex life to having you, a hot chick and a booming sex life, he may try to compensate his feelings of inadequacy for having not gotten girls in the past by cheating on or leaving you to sow his now confident oats. The point is DON'T become a sex and relationship stepping stone for the inexperienced little dweeb!! He'll worship you until he feel he's learned enough. From your intimacy, fashion advice and boosting his ego, he'll get cocky and greedy and chase other women. We all know that the goal for the average man is to sleep with as many women as possible. Dating a guy that has "been there, done that" could actually prove rewarding as he has already had scandalous and meaningless “sexperiences” and is more likely ready to settle down with you. This is why so many hot girls are getting their hearts trampled on; they're downgrading by dating and nerds & geeks and upgrading them to hip and chic. I hope this advice isn't left unabsorbed. I have always been a sincere lover of geeks, personally, and I always will be; I'm just saying, be careful of what kind you deal with.

10. Guys in Relationships are not hot! Well unless that guy is in a relationship with me. I don’t care how good-looking a guy is; don’t chase him or try to seduce him when he is in a relationship with someone else; it’s like going after a guy with snot constantly running down his nose. As soon as I find out a guy has a girl, I become repelled by him; especially if he’s hitting on me. Yeah, like a cheating spineless douche bag is what really turns me on! Hitting on and flirting with a taken guy is bad karma, gross and tacky. Why would you even waste you time seeking the validation by tempting the dog out of a man AND fucking another girl over? We all know how much it would suck to be the girl getting cheated on, so let’s promote a little more sister-hood and respect another woman’s territory. Plus, don’t you want to be the only one he caters to and worships?

Am I Addicted to Sex and Love?

I must admit that I enjoy Googling random words; often ones that involve relationships, sex, love, etc. because the stuff I find is often amazing. Recently, I stumbled upon a website called Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (S.L.A.A.). I knew there were programs for people addicted to sex, but not to love; I didn't know that it was possible to be addicted to something so abstract. They offer a 12-step fellowship for men and women to help each other stay "sober". The people of S.L.A.A insist that the addiction to love and sex is an actual disease or, rather, a progressive illness that cannot be cured, but "arrested". The essential problem shared among addicts of all sorts is a powerful obsession and compulsion that creates interference in one's life, family, career, and sense of self-respect. My first question was why there aren't any vaccines for this treacherous disease.

My second question, like most people,regarded my position in the matter. They have a questionnaire on the website that consists of 40 questions for self-diagnosis. I began to question myself. Am I a sex addict? Well, I'm not a whore; never have been; I've always been a good girl when it comes to sex. I've kept myself generally scarce and particular about who I sleep with. I don't believe in casual sex. Of the 2 times I experienced it, one pissed me off because I didn't know we were having casual sex; I thought we had 'something' brewing for quite some time before even venturing into the realms of sex but was wrong; the other was an experiment to see if casual sex was for me. The answer was obviously no. And the sex? Obviously bad. I want a strong mental connection and a mutual acknowledgment of a committed relationship before spreading my legs.

Moving on... Am I addicted to love? Well, judging my last couple of relationships, I am probably more addicted to hate. Hah! Well, I do like love, but I do fine without it as long as I have good friends, family and cats. I do fine without it as long as I am productive and focused on improving myself. I mean, of course I find myself lonely at times when I don't have a boyfriend or cuddle buddy. When I'm in love, I sometimes do foolish things. But don't we all? My personal conclusion leaned toward no, I am not a love and sex addict. I'm a love and sex lover, but there's obviously a difference. After an amateur self-evaluation on the matter, I proceeded to click on the '40 Questions for Self Diagnosis' link. Here are a few of the questions asked (picked randomly):

Have you had sex at inappropriate times, in inappropriate places, and/or with inappropriate people?
--Well, I've had sex at inappropriate times in "inappropriate places", like on the beach on a lifeguard tower when I knew the possibility of getting caught. I wouldn't say any of my partners were inappropriate... except for maybe one.

Do you believe that sex and/or a relationship will make your life bearable?
--I believe it can contribute to making life bearable as long as there are other qualities in my life that are fulfilling. Then, it becomes more like a cherry on top.

Do you believe that someone can "fix" you?
--I don't even believe psychologists can "fix" me nor can anyone else for that matter. I believe the only person that can "fix" me is me.

Do you feel that life would have no meaning without a love relationship or without sex?
--I sorta do. I think that if love relationships didn't exist, we would all be ice-cold assholes. But, I do believe that life can still have meaning. Look at monks and nuns, etc; their lives seem to be filled with meaning despite the build-up of cobwebs and miniature tumbleweeds in their sex organs. The point is, everyone wants a relationship at some point or another, and those who don't, usually want sex on some sort of regular basis; as long as we aren't completely miserable without those things or sabotaging our lives as well as the lives of others to attain it, we should be fine.

Are you unable to concentrate on other areas of your life because of thoughts or feelings you are having about another person or about sex?
--There have been moments when I couldn't stop daydreaming about an amazing sexual encounter I had while maybe at work or school or whenever. Like the first time I reached an orgasm from having oral sex performed on me. It's generally impossible for me to climax from oral but this one guy really knew what he was doing; he dedicated much time down there and before I knew it, I was helplessly moaning and twitching. It was so damn amazing, I mentally repeated it for days, causing spurts of arousal and moist moments. I stand by the idea that there is nothing wrong with that. It's hot. Sexuality begins with the mind anyway.

Do you feel that your sexual and/or romantic life affects your spiritual life in a negative way?
--Heck no! I'm spiritual but sex never affects that aspect of my life. In fact, I think that it's my spirituality that helps my sex and romantic life.

Do you find yourself obsessing about a specific person or sexual act even though these thoughts bring pain, craving or discomfort?
--I have found myself "crushing" on a person, not obsessing. It's fun to have crushes, but not to the point of stalking or obsessing. It can sometimes bring cravings for that person's tasty arse, but I suppose that's what masturbation is for, hah!

Do you need to have sex, or "fall in love" in order to feel like a "real man" or a "real woman"?
--I know I'm a real woman. A real ass W-O-M-A-N. I think that whomever I become involved with becomes closer to a "real man" though. ;-)

Do you feel uncomfortable about your masturbation because of the frequency with which you masturbate, the fantasies you engage in, the props you use, and/or the places in which you do it?
--I once did. Not due to the frequency or the fantasies, nor the places in which I do it; it's more about the "props" used. The thing is, I don't use any "props". What bothered me about my masturbation style was the fact that it was all mental. I would lay back and think of a really hot scenario (one that has happened, one that should happen, or perhaps one I have seen happen) and I visualize it. This goes on for only a few minutes until I successfully reach my orgasm. It's what I call hands-free mental masturbation but is also known as the imagery-induced orgasm. I used to think I was a freak until I did some research and discovered that 2% of women are like me in that regard. I heard that even Lady Gaga has the same sexual uniqueness. It's apparently a rare thing, but isn't unhealthy; in fact, I now see it as a blessing. If you or anyone you know has the "power" to engage in hands-free mental masturbation, refer them to : http://www2.hu-berlin.de/sexology/GESUND/ARCHIV/SEN/CH19.HTM#b5-ORGASM AND http://www.wired.com/medtech/health/news/2007/01/72325 AND http://www.springerlink.com/content/t5147852511621h1/ AND HERE.

Does your sexual and/or romantic behavior affect your reputation?
--No. I mean, I don't really know. What I do know is I have been called a sexual creature since grade school, but was always very prude and innocent. It has been said that I might exude a sexual energy though. I was one of the last girls to lose my virginity of all of my friends (18 years old) and have had minimal sex partners since. It's not easy to get me in bed. But I have a suspicion that I may send the wrong signals to people, which undoubtedly causes them to misread me and my actions, especially when I'm drunk. I like to see myself as a free spirit.

Do you have sex and/or "relationships" to try to deal with, or escape from life's problems?
--Yes, relationships, at times. And some people resort to T.V; others, food, drugs, alcohol. I don't have sex to fill the void but I have succumbed to a few relationships because I wasn't wanting to face myself or my life. Everyone has their own escape. I often escape in writing poetry or music or even reading when life hands me lemons (sometimes I just add vodka and make life hand me a lemon drop martini). A little escaping is okay with me, as long as lucidity is always maintained, be it on the back burner or not.

Do you find yourself flirting or sexualizing with someone even if you do not mean to?
--No, I find that some dense, meat-head, pompous, douches think I'm flirting when I clearly am not. I have seen this with many women; we're acting normal, loving life and ourselves, interacting with a guy whom we think may be just a friend or cashier or waiter or customer. It's the bonehead guy that mistakes a pretty smile and a witty remark for a sexual advance or flirtatious pass.

Do you find yourself in a relationship that you cannot leave?
--Once. I still am not completely over this person but I know that he is all wrong for me. After years of on-again/off-again bullshit, I've officially had my fill. I now realize that there is a superior match out there to be made. I simply cannot keep subjecting myself to his cruel and vindictive ways.

Have you lost count of the number of sexual partners you've had?
--Not at all. I am clearly aware of the amount of men I have slept with. It's not a high number. But believe me, there are couple guys I'd looove to lose track of and delete from my memory bank as regrets ensued from the sucky experiences I had with them (Kruger and Dick especially).

Do you feel that you don't want anyone to know about your sexual or romantic activities?
Hmmmmm... seeing as I blog about my sex and romantic life pretty much answers that question. I like privacy, but it's fun to share. I'll never reveal any one's identities or personal information, but I am happy to share my experiences with the world. Only a thick-skinned man could accept that, which is why right now I don't have one.

I can't help but wonder, shouldn't there should be a celebrity gosssip addicts anonymous featuring the makers, employees, watchers and readers of TMZ? Or reality show addicts anonymous or myspace/facebook/twitter addicts anonymous and so on...? I'm just saying...Anyway, I'm not sure how I feel about the questionnaire; I didn't really get a clear self-diagnosis as I can't possibly answer those questions in simple yes/no form. But I found the opportunity to introspect fun and informative. I definitely wont be admitting myself to S.L.A.A. anytime ever, but I wish luck to those who feel they need it. I think that one should know if their love of sex and/or love is interfering with their lives. But check out the site and see where you measure up.