Subway Encounters - Just Say No Nicely!

I used to be too nice when guys would approach me, whether I found them attractive or not. I felt bad, as though I was bruising the ego of those who actually had the courage to approach me, so I would almost always give a guy at least a chance unless he's a totally unsavory character. But this has gotten really draining for me and sometimes I just don't want to be bothered. Being afraid of being perceived as a bitch was starting to weigh down on me.

So, as usual on a Friday night, I'm walking to the subway when a caramel-skinned cutie with a horribly ugly, over-sized suit on sees me and immediately says, "Hi, beautiful, I love that dress you got on!", to which I responded with a simple "thank you" and immediately walked on the subway and sat down. He followed and asked if he could sit next to me. "Do you mind if I sit next to you, sweetie?" and I replied with a simple and polite, "Yeah."
He obliged and walked away. He didn't get mad. He didn't give me attitude or try to argue with me. He simply walked away and sat down. I mean, he kept staring at me from a distance, but I was okay with that.

It was that simple! This was the dawning of something new for me; I used to be so afraid of hurting feelings that I would normally have said "yes". I even thought this guy was cute, but not my type and certainly not my style. No, I'm not shallow... completely; I like a man who knows how to wear a suit. This guy looked like an 8 year old that audaciously played dress up with his father's suit. Furthermore, I'm not in the mood to meet and get to know some new guy with whom I know I wont share a substantial a connection.

I hope, guys, that you will learn from this not to feel bad when a girl rejects you; she may think you're cute but is just not in the mood. I especially hope that this helps other girls like me gain the courage to say "no" and stop being "too nice to guys" that don't necessarily deserve it.

Ask Boy Junkie! - Female Douche Bags

"Dear Dr, Labia

Why is it that any girl, ever, who has just met a guy, would think its ok to flirt with said guy, in front of their boyfriend, and when this happens, how should said guy react (either one)? Do these girls know what they are doing to their boyfriends self esteem? Do they know wtf a pissing contest is? On a similar note, why is it, that many girls only seem to notice a guy when he has another girl with him, who is enjoying his company? Is this some kinda lesbian thing? Or is it like having a reference for an application to a job? How can a guy get a girls attention without being the band leader of a ho parade?

-Disturbed"

Dear Disturbed,

There are a few things to consider in this type of situation. The girl may not be actually flirting with you. Some girls come off that way unintentionally. If you are certain she is flirting with you then she is a douche bag, or, rather, douchette. She is either a potential cheater and has no shame in her game or is trying to make her boyfriend jealous. She knows exactly what she is doing to him and that's exactly how she wants him to feel. The actions of women in that regard tend to be more contrived and calculated than men. She knows his self esteem will suffer and, because she lacks self-esteem herself, this brings her delight. Believe it or not, a lot of women do this, unaware that they're also confusing the guys with whom they're flirting. Perhaps they have an open relationship. Perhaps he does that to her and she's acting vindictively. The boyfriend should consider writing her off. Any girl that plays games like that is dangerous. The guy being used, aka the "tool" should ignore her flirtatious advances, respect his fellow male associate and walk away. It can only lead to chaos if he lingers in hopes of scoring with some dude's girlfriend.

Most girls are competitive because they're insecure. They feel as though they have won something (validation) if they score a guy that doesn't need her (due to the plethora of hot chicks surrounding him); they find endearment in feeling as though they're better  than or have one-upped another hot chick. These girls are kinda dangerous, too, as they are mostly stimulated by negative variables. Try the old fashioned ways of courtship. Approach a girl like a normal guy. Talk to her. You essentially don't need to play games or set boobie traps. If she is attracted to you and likes what you have to say, she will reciprocate your advances.  Remember that mystery stimulates the libido.

"Textication Nation" Texting While Driving PSA - Is This Video Too Graphic Or Just What We Need?

We live in t he age of technology. Duh. We have created so many new devices and lifestyles that we are struggling in many ways to keep up with and adapt to  our man-made environments.

It was once a very normal thing to do... pulling over to use a pay phone to call someone's land line. But there were obvious inconveniences in that. Then, we created pagers (which I really want to rock again! They're ulta 90's, pager codes are hilarious and they remind me of the more innocent days. Let me not forget to mention The Cool Kids' awesome song, "with a little bit of gold and a pager"). But we were limited with pagers. We had to find a phone just to see who was paging us or decipher bizarre pager codes, ie- 143 (i love you), 43770(hello), etc. And what if we didn't have any change? What if the person paging us is someone with whom we don't want to speak? So we pushed that forward and came up with voice-mail to go with our pagers. You can leave a message and the person you paged can check it from any phone! But this, too was flawed as we learned that we might want to reply to the person that left the v-mail and we want to reply right away. This quickly manifested the bulky cellar phone. Refer to Save by The Bell's Zack Morris (I used to think he was such a hottie) and his gigantic cell phone that was bigger than any land phone today.  And you could use it in your car! Oh how cool you looked driving with your giant phone plugged into your car.

But stopping at cell phones wasn't enough. I mean, yeah, we can finally talk to anyone we want, whenever we want, wherever we want, we can text, leave messages, but can't send emails. I can't take pictures. I can't use it as a motherfucking video camera. These cell phones sure are becoming useless... Quick! Someone do something about it! Thanks!

Ok, so now I can do all of the above plus some with my phone, but how will I ever get where I need to go without GPS? I mean back in the day, people obviously didn't go anywhere, but this is the new millennium, how will I get from point A to B? GPS bitch! It will never stop.

So now you can virtually do just about anything on your cellular phone that you could do with your computer. AND you can do it ANYWHERE!! Yaaay! what new problems could possibly arise from this? I mean, we are basically at the peak of technology advancement, so what would really go wrong? 

Oh! Driving while on that magical little device! Yes! I forgot how important it is to text, make phone calls, fucking blog, search music, etc on your phone while driving 65 plus motherfucking miles an hour thinking your dumb ass is invincible. Nothing is ever enough for us. We learn efficient ways to do shit but then we abuse it and screw it up. Now people are dying all the damn time because of the lack of self control, narcissism, fucking blatant stupidity that is embedded in most people, Los Angeles dwellers especially.  I stumbled on this new PSA Texting while Driving video in which 3 girls are in a car, the one driving is texting and crashes into another car, killing her friends and some of the passengers in the other car. This video is extremely graphic and is made to tug on heart strings with hopes of helping us realize just how severe the consequences of being on our cells phones while driving can be. I personally think it's a good idea. What do you think?

Produced by the Gwent Police Department.

I know, slightly dramatic but it is COMPLETELY REALISTIC! It illustrates the dangers of texting while driving. Americans can only view this video online because currently it has been deemed "too graphic" to air on U.S. television WHICH IS STUPID because this is EXACTLY what people everywhere in the world need to see! I usually give my friends such shit for texting and driving because I don't want to die, especially not like that. I rather die saving a life or doing something heroic. But to go down because of the unintelligence and recklessness of a friend would have me haunting them in my spirit life.  After watching this video, there is no way I’m sending out texts while behind the wheel. The more this film is viewed, the better. Please, if you are severely guilty of this, don't feel bad... well fell bad, but don't get embarrassed. Just stop. Now. Please. You will literally be helping save lives. Do you want to live with blood on your hands?

ASK BOY JUNKIE!!!!!

Do you have a burning question? Looking for modern dating/love/life/relationship or sex advice? Wanna laugh a little? Want the brash truth and the realest answers? Like good whiskey, I'll give 'em to you straight, no chaser! "Ask Boy Junkie" is in full swing so shoot me an email if you have any questions. If you wish, I will keep your identity a secret.

Hit me with your hot questions or comments at :

askboyjunkie@gmail.com

or instant message me at:

TidalAbleFish@aim.com

PS - I love gifts!! Feel free to send me stuffs and I will shower you

with compliments.

Thank you !

Subway Encounters - The Mystery Hottie on the Subway - part deux

I saw him again! The random subway hottie! ( For those of you who don't know who that is, refer to my "Subway Encounters part un")

So, I'm sitting on the subway, heading to work on a Friday night, as usual, and lookin' all cute, when I look up and see him walking past the window by which I'm sitting. We spot each other at the same time and I could see, clearly, that his pupils became dilated which is a good sign. My pupils certainly did! My eyes could feast on him all day long, in fact. He was dressed way cuter this time; Plaid shorts, Cute black old school Reeboks. Some plain shirt that hugged his bodacious bod so well.

Seeing him made my heart skip a beat simply because of his dashing looks and my being caught completely off guard. I thought to myself how exciting it was. Here I am writing about this while he's probably off somewhere playing soccer. I guess I'm a little creep, but I'm okay with that. I like creepiness.

Why, oh, why is our timing so bad? We smiled and looked at each other as the subway took off with me in it. He, standing in front of the window, waved at me until I was out of sight. I watched with puppy eyes.

TIPS THAT SAVE CHICKS #5

DR. LABIA'S TIPS 41-50

41.  Don't be afraid to scope out that hottie's bulge in his pants. They get to scope our goods all the time... Boobs, butt... curves. Look for that bulge. When they're big, it's exciting and creates sexy images. Guys, don't be afraid to fly commando so we can see that bulge. Mmm hmmm. Bulge. And stare hard for a while until he notices... then keep staring until he's rendered uncomfortable.

42. Text Etiquette - Give the realest person in front of you the most attention. Texting while someone is talking to you and only you, is unbelievably rude. I'm not talking about one measly text; I'm talking about having a full on back and forth convo with someone via text every few seconds. You're having two convos at once. The next time someone does that to me, I'm going to literally turn my back to them the next time they ramble about important stuff, then I will engage in a conversation with whomever else is around. Grow some fucking balls, excuse yourself and call them if it's so important. . . Stop having two conversations at once! I should totally take this advice.

43.  When you kiss a guy and he immediately opens his mouth and slips you the tongue, you can be sure that 1. he is only interested in a sexual exchange and/or 2. isn't a very skilled kisser. It's good to let the lips lock and let electricity exchange between the two of you before opening up and swapping mouth fluids. Think of the ocean and it's rhythm. Kissing dogs and frogs is gross.

44. Sexy sexy sexy rules: Wanna be sexy? Grab his "junk" in the midst of an intense hook-up and whisper in his ear and tell him how much you want it, you want it, want it. If he's more of a sadist, beg him please, please, please stop. Mmm Hmm.

45. Guys really hate razor bumps so do whatever it takes to avoid those. Some helpful tips are: Use a fresh razor every time, wax, laser(creepy), use a lot of shaving cream, rinse the razor after every stroke  and for the first day you shave, try not to wear tight synthetic fabrics, try to stick to cotton so your pores can breathe. But, on the contrary, guys need to understand that it happens sometimes and to stop imposing their impossible standards on us women. Fuck you if you think we should have to shave every day or even every other day. Fuck you if you think hairy legs and muffs are intolerable. We wish you motherfuckers could cum on command, very few of you can; do we hold it against you? Nay. Insisting that a woman should always be hairless is like trying to defy the ways of nature. You can't love women but hate their hair, the fact that they get their period, etc. You must love us not for the sum of some parts but as a whole. So stop perpetuating the cycle of self-image issues that torment women and get over it if she has razor bumps or hairy legs every now and then. I like the number 6, which means if I only like 1 and 2 and hated 3, I wouldn't know the number 6. 

46. Attention, Men!!!! Don't shave your pubic areas bare. A little trim never hurt but, DAMN! We don't want to look down and see elementary school boy parts. Scary, unattractive and weird. Bare balls are creepy. Trim, don't shave them. We want to be reminded that you're a man, thanks. While it may make your dick look bigger, it doesn't ACTUALLY make your dick bigger. Pointless, indeed. Keep a little, yes A LITTLE, hair down there and show us who the lion really is. I, of course am not speaking for all women, just the ones who makes sense. I mean seriously, what the hell is going on in your mind when your shaving your ball bare? Stop it. Now. It's okay, you might feel a little embarrassed, but Im actually saving you guys from embarrassing yourselves in the future.

47. Break-ups - When it hurts so much that you think your heart will explode, your stomach emaciated when someone fails you, fear not. This feeling will definitely vanish. What helps? Writing about it. Allow yourself to be completely vulnerable. Sit in your sanctuary and bare your soul to yourself. I write songs, poems, shorts, blogs and it seriously works wonders.

48. Sex Etiquette - Don't ever let a guy cum on your face. Ever. Seriously don't. He'll get over it even though he's a little gross for wanting to in the first place. You're better than that. Love your face. Love yourself.

49. It's quiet on myspace. I still love myspace and I will always have one. I like decorating my page but on facebook, you can really interact with the people that matter most. As much as I hate admitting this, face book is better. There. Ugh. I said it. Don't tell anyone, though.

50. Driving and texting or talking on the phone offenders are still running rampant and it's making me a little sick. I imagine the regrets that will be expressed when you find your car totaled, your passengers dead, and you, crippled. I really hope it was worth responding to asinine conversation that just couldn't wait. You think you're safe. You think you're good at it. Everyone seems to share this delusion of invincibility. Get real. This shit is no joke! People could actually dieeee. And we don't want to dizzie yet! 

TIPS THAT SAVE CHICKS #4

DR. LABIA'S TIPS#31-40

31. Phone sex is lame lame lame! I'm so not about it. There's nothing more awkward than talking to a little voice in a little phone and saying stuff that you think is sexy. You're listening to a little voice in a little phone and touching yourself. But back up and step out of yourself for a moment, think about how silly you both really sound and look... Kinda embarrassing, right? No matter how sexy the voice, the person on the other end, the words cumming out of your mouths are, YOU'RE NOT ACTUALLY HOOKING UP. I tried to do it a few times but feel bad admitting that I wasn't touching myself and didn't get off. I even pressed mute to laugh a little. I just can't take you seriously... sorry.

32. If a girl wanted you and knew that you would have her, then you would have her. If you don't have her, it's because she simply does not want you. When we like someone, we don't want to waste time and risk losing him to someone else. We will simply let him have us.... with a little game-playing, of course. So take the hint, it's not cryptic.

33. Attention guys! when a girl sends you sexy picture of her, whether you thinks it's her best shot or not, reciprocate by telling her how smokin' hot she is (especially if it was YOU who asked her to send one). It'll only help you out in the future; she'll suck you off that much harder, she'll be more enthused about pleasing you, she'll feel good about herself, she'll send you more pictures. Don't you understand that you, too, benefit from doing this? Give her the reassurance and stop being so damn dense.

34. Stop gender on gender hate! I am so utterly sick of guys getting all pissed off when I show up at a party with a guy friend. We all know it's hard for girls to be friends, what the hell are we supposed to do!? Invite our non-existent girl friends? Not show up? And why should I have to come alone just because you don't know enough girls? You shouldn't want to be the last guy on Earth just to get a girl. What does that say about you? Are you scared of a little competition? You don't know any girls except her and her? Damn. You're throwing the party; it's your responsibility to create gender-balance. Not ours. Besides, we don't mind sausage-fests anyway. More meat for us to choose from. Sorry.

35. Douche Detective says, "If you want to talk to a girl, approach her. Do not summon her from a distance like a master calling his dog and expect her to come running. " It's rude, slightly cowardly, yet cocky. What gift do you think you are to women? If you're not willing to put forth the effort to, say, cross the street, walk a few steps, or perhaps venture over to her bar stool, you're a lazy douche and don't deserve any girls time.

36.Douche Detective says, "If a guy asks for your number right away ( immediately before or after getting your name) and doesn't know a damn thing about you, he obviously just wants to bang-bang you." What he's revealing is that he is not interested in who you are and doesn't really want to get to know you. He's revealing that he probably asks every pretty girl for her number and that his standards, as far as personality goes, are drastically low. He's a serial digits collecting douche, a perpetual tail-chaser. A hollowing waste of time.

37. You know that violent circular motion that you guys do when rubbing the clitoris? You know, that thing you see chicks do to themselves in porn? You know, you sometimes do it when you're inside a girl to double the pleasure? Well, it sucks and we hate it. Stop. Please. You're drying us out. You're numbing our 'clitori'. You have indicated that you watch too much porn and use it as sex 101. Not sexy. Please, for the love of God, stop. You're killing us. No more parched pleasure points! Stop veegee violence!

38. Stop using friends to fill your voids then tossing them out when you (finally) find romance. Ditching your friends just because you found a new girlfriend/boyfriend is sad. It screams co-dependency. I know the butterflies and giddy gumdrops are like a whirlpool of delight that you want to fall into and get sucked in, but when you completely forsake your friendships with those closest to you, you look like an ass and imply that your friends aren't worth the 5 minutes a week to call back to say hello and show that you give a crap about how they are doing. Omg, you finally found someone; time to hold on tight like a fucking baby that finally found it's mama. You're selfish, needy and lonely. Balance! Have you self-centered assholes heard of that? What's worse is when you come running back when you get heart broken or when your lover is out of town. You are a co-dependent leech and don't deserve such loyal friends. Shape up and start treating them better before they forsake you for good. You will realize, when you're all alone again, that it wasn't worth it.

39. If you have a boyfriend, ladies, please don't stalk his chick friends! It's such a desperate and feeble attempt to claim some sort of control over your insecurities and your man. You are humiliating yourself when his unsuspecting friend gets a random add request from you on her private facebook, myspace, etc. It's obvious that you want to lurk on the potential comments he might have left her or to compare yourself to her. It's unproductive. Be strong. You shouldn't have to do that to keep your man faithful. I promise, you will save face if you accept and deal with the mystery. Chances are you will stumble on something that will freak you out, even though it probably means nothing. I bet you she doesn't even like your man.. stop it, please. Lurker!

40. Wash your Hands before touching vagina - It's really gross to see when a guy doesn't ever wash his hands after using the restroom or ever, then tries to touch your privates. You might as well drag your hands on a bathroom floor and then stick your fingers in us. C'mon, guys. The vagina is sensitive. Wash your hands before putting them all over the us, please? It's the classy thing to do. Eww... think about all those germs on your hands and now you're going to put them in us?! Yucky and inconsiderate. Help keep the veegee clean!

Hunters and Women

HUNTERS AND WOMEN Part un
"The Subway Cop"




I met a cop on the subway. He was kinda cute. I was sitting all by my onesies, writing up a storm in my comp book, waiting for the subway to move. A cop walks in, and by cop, I mean subway cop and I'm not sure how that works. Anyway, he, while all was silent in the cabin, approached me and asked my name, told me I'm pretty and cute and that he has been wanting to talk to me for sometime now. By the way, I ride the redline subway every Saturday to go to work at a night club Downtown so this guy probably saw me every week and finally mustered up the courage to talk to me. He asked for my number. Something I didn't want to give, but how can I reject a puffy chested, pretending to be confident, subway cop in front of the entire cabin of people who were all watching and or listening? I didn't have the heart to reject and embarrass him like that so I gave him the digits.
A few days later he sent me a text that read: Hi.
I replied: Hi. Who is this?
His answer: The cop. (Awkward, right?)
The following day he sent me another: What are you doing?
I replied: Eating lunch.
He then wrote: When do you work?
My response: every Saturday
His response: So when can I see you?
I replied: Um, I don't know how to answer that.
Cop: Why?
Me: I don't know, too much pressure I guess... I think you're supposed to assume the male role instead of putting the ball in my court like that.
Cop: I thought we lived in the year 2009 not 1809
ME: Yes but you 're the one who asked me for my number. You're the one text initiating. Asking me when you can see me is bestowing a burden upon me; I now have to tell you when and where you can see me. Men should be hunters and I stand by that.

He didn't respond. I don't really know why that annoyed me. I mean I am totally OK with the idea of women approaching guys I guess, but there's something way hotter about doing it the old school way. I am certain that most women want their men to be hunters! And I know it's hard for men; they say they like when girls approach them because it's so much easier. But doesn't that, on a subconscious level, cause emasculation in said men? If women weren't such bitches to guys that hit on them, they wouldn't fear approaching awesome, friendly chicks like, oh, say me or my best girl, Caca, for example. I beg you bitches to stop being so mean when rejecting guys!

Mr. Copster is so not a hunter. OK, buddy, you had the balls to ask for my number in front of a massive group of nosy people, but you don't have the balls to call me? You don't have the balls to directly ask me out? Now it's my turn to chase you? Something about this guy screams baby dick. And what's this "The cop" crap!? The cop?! Are you kidding me? I am not even sure he qualifies as one. Furthermore, I find something wrong with the way he phrased that. He could have said that he's the cop that met me at the RedLine the other day. Like he's thee cop? What if I'm a cop junkie? How does he know that I don't have other "cops" texticating me from random numbers throughout the day?
Hunters are hot. They have the edge. I will hunt, too, believe me, but I need my man to be a man, thanks. I'll have my man with extra man, please?

TIPS THAT SAVE CHICKS #3

LADY LABIA'S TIPS #21-30



21. The line between cuddle buddy and friend with benefits - is quite thin actually. Men tend to read too much into cuddling than chicks. If we like you, cuddling means the world; if not, you're JUST a cuddle buddy which means: no boob touching, no kissing, no poking us with your morning wood, no sleeping naked, or watching porn. Awkward. Spooning is okay, as is gentle back scratching and massaging. Don't get too fresh, Big fella.

22. Compliments make you a better person - One compliment can go a long way! Studies show that giving compliments helps boost your self-esteem. Don't be stingy; kill two birds with one stone and give a GENUINE compliment the next person you see or talk to.

23. Don't post all 30 pictures from your self photo shoot on your myspace, facebook, ect. You're wearing the same thing. The background is the same and is usually a bathroom door or bathroom floor. Every picture shows minimal, if any, changes in expression and angles. Why are you doing this to us? I don't have the time to dissect which one is the best; you do it your damn self. Man, I wish I could express how lame that makes you look. I don't want to hurt any one's feelings; I am just trying to help you out. Pick the best 2 or 3 and commit.

24. Homie Hoppers are Tic-Tac-Gross! Homie Hoppers are insecure lazy, non-profit hookers that don't have what it takes to venture past their front lawn for new relationships or hook-ups. So, they end up hooking up with their friends, their friends' friends, their exes friends and their friends exes. They eventually turn cliques into groups of inbreeds. Yuck. Homie Hoppers don't look 3 feet ahead of themselves, disregard their degradation, future reputation and the people they'll hurt. If the average group of guys you hang out with on a daily basis all have had sex or a even made out with you, you need to do some serious introspection. You are artless and classless. Tic-Tacky-Gross. You're embarrassing yourself. I feel bad for you.

25. Why do twenty-something people refer to themselves as old? It's like saying you're rich because you have 25 cents instead of a dollar. I'm 26 and loving it. I'm not getting younger so I try to make sure to savor every moment in my fun, rip roaring 20's.

26. Don't share toothbrushes. Nasty.

27. Stop pinning men up on white horses and chariots. Most women basically think of what their wedding dress will look like within minutes of meeting a guy they like. Stop doing this. You're embarrassing yourself. Take him for what he is in that moment. Look forward to the adventure. Go with the flow. Ride the tide. Feel alive.

28. Stop telling guys their penises are small! when you're mad at or breaking up with them. I mean, if you know it's small, chances are he does, too. Why remind him of his dick bits that he'll never shake off in life? And def don't say it to a guy who knows he's packing 'cause it'll make you look desperate for a way to hurt him; he wont care since every other girl tells him how massive and magical his staff is... Overall, it's a pretty harsh thing to say. It hurts men and their egos and sometimes their sex drive. The baby dick talk is something to be had with your girlfriends; that's when you can get ruthless and say things like, "he had a baby dick anyway. I never knew when he was inside me." Just feel sorry for the next girl; in fact, buy her a magnifying glass and help her find his mini stick. Have some self control and stop being a spiteful bitch. Kiss.

29. Text Etiquette - Some are incredibly asinine and don't deserve responses. If some one isn't texting you back it's because they don't care. Back off.

30. Douche Detective says, " If a guy compliments himself within minutes of your meeting him (i.e - "i have a big dick", "Awesome my tattoos are", "I'm a musician", boasts about success or status) he is a certified douche and will probably try to kiss you because he bought you a drink and told you to keep the change. And he'll try this in front of the entire bar/party.. ugh.. guys stop it! It's so gnarly. And we feel kinda bad rejecting you in front of everyone but you give us no choice because 1. We don't want to kiss you. 2. We wont pity kiss you while making ourselves look like bar skanks. Damn douche!

TIPS THAT SAVE CHICKS #2

LADY LABIA'S TIPS #11-20



11. Please, please, please, don't let your "guy friend" touch you when you guys go out to bars, etc. By touch, I mean the hand on the back, arm around you bit. It's such a cock block. A large percentage of the guys that might have approached you wont once they see your guy pal getting physical. It's confusing for the other dudes. Guys, stop doing that to us. Don't make it look like we're dating when we're in public dammit! We know it makes you look good, but c'mon. Thanks.

12. When you're on a subway and there's a cute guy sitting next to you. Look right at him in his eyes and smile. It will undoubtedly make his day; he'll get a bit of a confidence-boost.

13. Never hook up with your friends' ex-boyfriends! She will hate you. You will hurt her intensely. She may spite you. You'll look like a desperate bitch. Karma will catch you. You and the ex wont last. You'll lose yet another good friend and the respect of many. You will look like you can't find a guy yourself. In other words, you'll look lonely and pathetic. It's an unwritten taboo in our society, let us not act like it's a harmless right. It's tacky and gross. Word.

14. Stop lying to men about having orgasms! Stop faking them! Ladies, it really isn't fair to train these men all wrong! Tell them the truth when they ask you if you climaxed. If the answer is "no", well then they should feel really self conscious about it and try harder, try new things, research. Just stop lying to them. I know you don't want to hurt their feelings but think about the poor girl that has to re-train the ol' dog in the future. And guys, pleease stop using porn as sex 101. The majority of the stuff you see the guys doing is not what gets the job done. Ugh.

15. Straight girl on straight girl action at parties is so retro! It's not cool anymore. It's not sexy. It screams attention whore. Do you kiss guys the way you kiss girls: In front of a gaggle of hooting and hollering men!? I mean, if that's how you kiss guys in public, too, then by all means, bi-sex it up. Otherwise, cut the crap and stop lying to yourself; you're doing it for attention. The next time a drunken hot mess stumbles your way and says, "Omg you're hot, let's make out" give her a card for hypnotherapy. This, of course doesn't apply to lesbians. You guys are hot and I respect your kissing where or whenever. Tits.

16. Just about all Burt's Bees products ROCK! Of my favorites are the Carrot Nutritive Day and night cremes and Marshmallow vanishing creme. They smell delightfully delicious and feel high-quality and amazing on the skin. Their citrus facial scrub is a must-have to take off dead skin and reveal soft, radiant and supple skin. From lip care to skin care, to shampoos and conditioners, Burt's Bees is a brand I swear by!

17. Don't get wasted on a first date! It's tacky and gross. Really, you'll make yourself look stupid at some point and blur your connection with your suitor. I think a 3 drink maximum is best. This goes for men and women. Get a little buzz on to loosen up, but anything else and he'll think you're loose-er.

18. Douche Detective says, "If a guy say the word "vagina" or even references one within 30 seconds of your meeting, he is certifiably a Douche."


19. Douche Detective says, " If a guy cries to you before your 10th date, run, don't walk far away from him." Studies have shown that guys who are that comfortable that early have emotional instabilities and usually end up being the wife-beaters, psycho control freaks, mood-swingers and big nagging, bratty babies. I also know this from personal experience as well as the experiences of several friends. There are exceptions, of course (ie- a recent and untimely death of a pet, friend or family member). But I am dead serious, Immediately flee the scene if you are on a date with a new guy the moment his tear ducts begin to open. Gulp the last of your wine and book it!

20. You know what? I reconsidered it: Ladies! If you absolutely must, fake the damn orgasm! Some guys don't take direction very well, which can be annoying and stressful on your potentially parched pleasure point. To hell with it. Get it over with. Get him out and off. Do him a favor; you really are helping his ego out, after all.